my fear of death.

It’s again 10:00 in the evening and it will be the fourth night in a row of insomnia if I couldn’t get to sleep tonight. Migraine is stinging my head right now but my mind is yet restless and this entry is about letting all those thoughts seep into paper (or blog), that is.

I’m one of those fascinated with time – of how it is categorized into past, present and future. And words such as ‘often’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’, ‘always’ and ‘someday’ are in the list of recently used words from my vocabulary. I was always the nostalgic one; the one who would tell others how much I miss those times I spent wasting with them. I enjoy joining the craze posting about #throwbackthursday, #flashbackfriday and even #waybackwednesday. Ever wondered why?

It’s because I am afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of that very instant – that second when you transition from a living to a dead person. I wonder what my last feeling and last thought would be just as how I’m curious who the last person I will be with. After that second of death, it’s oblivion. But I will never even know it because I’m no longer feeling nor thinking.

I’m afraid of not being able to feel and think. I’m afraid of not being able to see the world just as I tremble in the thought of leaving everyone behind. I won’t be able to see Daryl, Mama, Papa and Ian, and that thought tears my heart apart.

And though, for the last 25 years, I’ve been pushing the thought away; it remains. Every night, there is always a part in my prayer wherein I beg for Him not to take me yet because I still haven’t reached my dream, haven’t loved people just as much, and haven’t lived my life fully. Every morning, my actions revolve around what memory of me, I would be leaving behind.

As a child, I dreamed of being a seraph. But as I grew old, I learned that I didn’t want to die yet just so I could become one. However, in my years in social work, I realized that I could be an angel here on earth – if I choose to spread kindness and positivity all around. I just hope I did, for the last 25 years.

I am bidding the quarter of a lifetime goodbye soon. And it felt like it all happened so fast and yet I still remember some memories vividly, even from childhood. These comprise the memory of that night when my brother was born, that memory when I got my second bike, that night when I couldn’t sleep and I stared at my glow-in-the-dark Mickey Mouse watch. I can’t believe that I had grown so much and is a very different person now, from the 1-year old me.

I’m afraid of dying. And as I bid those years goodbye, I look back at these memories. There should be more journal entries about those precious memories and how they relate to my present. The future brings excitement but it also transports anxiety and fear.

I’m afraid but the solution is simple. I guess I just need to live more. From here on, every minute is a precious one. Thus, I don’t want them to be wasted in dwelling at negativity. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy and surely, the next days will be maximized.

to hold on.

“Mahal pa naman kita.

Kaso ang kulit mo bi eh.

Pinipilit mong magbigay ako ng sagot para makatulog ka lang”.

I am writing because as I told you I can’t sleep when we’re not okay. I am writing because I don’t want these words to remain in my heart. It’s also ironic that I haven’t used the Snoopy towel that you gave me. I was saving it for a happy memory, I told myself. But tonight, when I got off the sink, away from my clenched fist, red teary eyes and a crushed heart, the Snoopy towel that you gave me was what struck my mind first. I reached for it for comfort. Words are too painful and hearing you saying it without empathy crushed my heart. I am not recalling the pain to play guilt trip on you. I just want to preserve that memory of pain – a pain that can only be brought by love. Love, really, is made up of smiles and tears. And only those with strong hearts can survive and sustain love.

Tonight, I am choosing to have a strong heart – the strongest is what I am asking for Him. I ask for light, amidst these darkness that enraptures me at 12:24 in the morning. I am sorry for what has happened, for pushing you to your limits, for asking you to show your affection to me even when you say you are not yourself tonight. I don’t know. Maybe, I am just too scared that you will let go of me. Ever since that instance when I rushed into your home in the middle of the night just to tell you how sorry I am and how committed I am to be with you and hold on to this relationship. Ever since that night that I cried and begged on my knees that we work it out. I may have developed a phobia from your choice of words – which you think it is better for us to part ways just so you could go on with what you have to do and just so I can be happy.

From then on, I walked on eggshells – cautious of every word I say and every action I make. I didn’t want to make you feel burdened just as how you felt at the start of our relationship. But here I am again. I was begging you to tell me you love me, at the un-godliest hour, just so I could sleep. To you, it might seem like it – a selfish request. But to me, it is an answer; a key.  I wanted to be reassured that you’re still holding my hand. But I wronged us. Because of my doings tonight, I felt like your hand slowly drifted away. And all that I am holding on, at this very moment, is your pinkie finger.

I hold on to this Snoopy towel. In fact, when I placed it atop my face, I felt relieved. The memory of that day when you gave it to me played back. It was one of those happiest memories of us that I cherish. I was feeling down that day. I wanted to shut myself from the world and yet you begged me to go to you – and embrace you at your home. That was enough. But after eating lunch with a heavy psyche, you asked me to close my eyes. You asked me what I prefer between a pen case, a tumbler or a towel. I chose the pen case of course and you gave me one, outright. Little did I know that they were not choices but a list of things that you’re glad to give to me as a gift for our monthsary. I was so happy that moment bi. More than just the gifts, I was glad that you always bring a rainbow in my life, when it’s gloomy. And I really appreciate you for that. Never had I been made feel special, protected and cherished just as you did.            

I hold on to memories. I catch myself painting a smile on my face at the thought of me being beside you last Friday morning. You sacrificed your sleep because I was not feeling well – that I need to see another doctor because the General Practice doctor probably gave me the wrong prescriptions. I was looking at you intently that morning. I was studying your eyes, nose and lips, your glasses even and preserved it in my memory. I didn’t know that my mind can work as a video recorder but it did. That picture of you with a half-smile while watching The Big Bang Theory beside me, and your hands holding my tablet while the other hand lovingly embraces me, is what plays in my mind at this very moment.

I hold on to our commitment to always choose and find our way back to each other even when things get rough.

“I love you and know that I am being unworthy right now. I am trying to understand myself at napepressure ako with you asking me what you can do to make things right. Don’t define yourself according to my happiness!!!! There are things that we can’t control. I’m not asking to break up. I’m just asking for your silence and your patience. If you push me over the edge, I might break up with you just because masakit na ulo ko at naiinis na ako dahil di ko naiintindihan sarili ko. I know I will regret it. You’re asking for answers I don’t have at the moment. I don’t even have the capacity and patience to think right now. I wish to be alone to sort myself out and not further damage our relationship. You mean a lot to me, which is why I don’t talk when I’m being difficult. And I’m sure you know why.”  

I am choosing to hold on to your loving words, even the littlest of it, at times like these. I understand that you are just dead tired from all that has happened this weekend because I got sick and I ruined your schedule. I hold on to that moment, midnight of September 15, when you and I first hugged and kissed, beneath the starry night. It was magical. And I am holding on to it because ever since, that memory is enough to remind me how much I love you and how much you love me.

I am sorry for asking, even when I already know the answer. I’m sorry if I was asking for reassurance even when you already gave it to me a million times. I’m sorry if I let fear subside in my being just because of that night when I rushed into your home. I am sorry for not remembering immediately what happened after. You carried me from my begging knees and embrace me as we’re equal. You told me how much you love me, then and forever. You let me embrace you for as long as I needed. And you wiped my tears away. That same night, we sat beneath the starry night and renewed our commitment to choose one another, always. That we will make things work out, together. That even when the waves are crushing hard on to me, I promised that I will stay and be your best friend, apart from being a lover. I am sorry for not seeing beyond your tired and weary self, even when my gut feeling already told me to do so.

I am holding on to that pinkie finger and will never let it go. I will just have to wait, and challenge my impatient self, for you to talk to me again in your loving voice. I trust that you will also hold on to memories, words and our commitment to always choose one another. Because, we always do. That is why I know and feel, even in this ghastly instant, that I finally found my true love and Mr. Right.

Para kay James Roman

You always say I'm like a mentor to you,
but don't you think it's how you let me experience you too?
Throughout IPD's highs and lows,
It's you whom I rest and share my ideas the most.

Days in the office with you were meaningful and lighter,
It's like I found Aristotle amidst the clutter.
Quite saddening for me to see you leaving,
But I understand that it's for your own search of meaning

Amidst life's business, I hope we'd find time for chat and beer,
You're one of those few people I'd like to be friends with through the years.

Fall in love with a Feminist

I'm sure there would be a better feminist who could write this,
but this is just a try.

Fall in love with a feminist. Date a girl who spends more money on books and travels instead of clothes. You'll recognize her with her grace amidst simplicity. She has her own definition of fashion. She would never abide by the common notion nor of the societal image of beauty, since she is beautiful as she is, on her own nature. Her psyche of beauty is more than the physique, but of bringing out the best of a woman in her.

Fall in love with a feminist who accepts that you both only have the 'now'. She would never be a nagger, or would consciously try not to be one. She accepts that the present is a product of the past, and that the future depends greatly with the present. Because, somewhere inside her, she accepts that all things will come to an end. That, if you fail her, she'll understand that it's just a man's societal upbringing that made her into a man of lesser human than he is. That when he sees you're willing to take chances with her, she will help you understand that the world was made for both men and women, and that the burden MUST not solely be with men.

You can always make mistakes with feminists. You can always be as deviant for she is open-minded. She might even squat with you in the aisles when there are no more benches, or chase after the bus when both of you are running late. She wouldn't give up on late night dialogues just to thresh-out issues that are impeding the happiness for the both of you. You never have to be Mr. Perfect, for she knows that every person is in constant struggle for personal development.

She believes that 'the girl worth having won't wait for anybody'. She would never depend her happiness solely with you, but with her friends and family too. And that is the reason behind her sanity. She understands that happiness is a choice to be made, and not to retrieved from people around her.

Fall in love with a feminist because when you're with her, the world is in constant spontaneity. She is not suddenly affected by bad vibes nor get irritated with simple shortcomings. She might even accompany you in the train ride to pick-up your brother, just to make your night feel fine. She would not mind travelling hours more than you, just so the both of you could meet. She would not mind of you being late, just as long as you have a good reason for it. For in her mind, she understands that it is in two-ways of give and take, that love would work.

When you date a feminist, ask her if she wants to run, play soccer or ride the unicycle, just as much as you do. Ask her to learn how to play the guitar or find the right piano keys with you. Ask her not to be afraid of riding the roller coaster, or of the horse, or of the bicycle that has only one wheel. She would not mind doing hobbies of your interest, for inside her is also partly-a-man who likes adrenaline rush. She would be willing to share her time with you, with the things you love, and find beauty in those times as she appreciates you bringing her into your own world.

It's easy enough to fall in love with a feminist, contrary to the belief of some that it's difficult. She would argue with you when you try to grab her bag from her and lend her a hand, but in the sense that she too can do things on her own. She wouldn't mind if you don't pay for her meals nor her fares on a date because she understands that she is not your own responsibility. She is also trying to make things light for you.

You don't have to buy anything for a feminist, for she doesn't live in a material world. She might hate it when you set your hang-outs with her on a mall, for she appreciates being at the outside world, and be close to nature more. Conversations, debates and sharing interests is what she would want to spend more time with, rather than shopping or catching movies weekly. She appreciates gifts that you made on your own, or the poem or song you wrote especially for her. She wouldn't appreciate the latest trends of shoes nor of dresses as a gift, but the quality of time you spent together. Love, for her, is understanding between two people, that only the two of you could understand.

If she says she loves you, take her word for it. It is not easy for a feminist to find the guy she likes. She doesn't want to waste time on someone else who is close-minded and is not willing to listen with what she wants to say to the world. When those words come out from her, it is for a life time. Both of you might have misunderstandings in the long run, but she is more than willing to work it out with you, always. She keeps her words, just as much as she value the few true people she met in her life.

Love a girl who speaks her mind and heart, just to make things clear for the both of you. And when she asks for space, let her be. She just wants to sort-out things on her own, and get back to you with the understanding she has made on her own. She does not depend her life's decisions on others, but on her own. Thus, she needs her own time, just to be the person worthy of you.

You both have to give it a shot, somehow.

Find a girl to love that is a feminist, and the world would have been a better place to live in.

Inspired by Date a Girl who Travels by Aleah

http://www.solitarywanderer.com/2012/02/date-a-girl-who-travels/#axzz25ykb3FOg

something from living in auto-pilot

Living in auto-pilot pertains to that days in your life when you do things in routine and doing tasks at hand without the 100% of your consciousness. This is what I refer to, when I talk about those days in the two months time that I think I was in a mud-pile of depression. I wake up, take a bath, eat breakfast, ride the jeepney, ride the train, work, then when the clock strikes 5:00PM, hurry going home, watch TV, eat dinner then sleep.

You'll personally know when you haven't done your best,

when there is a sense of regret inside you,

of not telling, of not asking and 
of simply not doing what your mind was telling you to do.

During those days, I lack inspiration and the motivation to get up. I would do things just because I was needed to. I go to work, just to complete the 8-hour a day requirement of getting paid in full, after 15 days. I didn't do additional tasks leisurely, complained with all those stuffs and persons that would hinder my finishing the task at hand at the quickest time and the worst part was, I lost a sense with listening to music.

But I'm glad to be back in my consciousness and I knew I was, when I stopped begging for another 30 minutes every waking hour of the day. My body started to consciously wake up at 5:30 in the morning and my mind started to consider each detail of every minute that I was in. Lastly, my soul started to crave for music.

One fine day of celebrating music at UP.

I was knocked out of living in auto-pilot on the last day of May. On June 1st, I started to think that I wanted to live a new life from what I was living for the last two months. I realized that one has to be faced with new challenges in order to wake-up from that routine and from living in auto-pilot. New things make us be more conscious of our selves. New challenges make us relearn that we are not yet enough, and there is still more of what we have in our insides that the outside is waiting. Nonetheless, living in auto-pilot is a point in time where the transition from one era to another happens. It helps you adapt to "moving".

The past week has brought so many new things in my life. I was officially enrolled as a graduate student, and I was informed of being hired as a staff of Institutional Partnership and Development of the Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program. These two changes poured  very cold pail of water in my head, as I realized I am but a person yet unripe of holding responsibilities, but is in the process of learning to get there and should not be tired of always out there chasing after my dreams.

Edited by my dear friend, Eljay Lactuan. *claps*

The core of Pantawid Pamilya is helping the child stay in school and be healthy. My passion on helping children was rekindled. And, I realized I'm still too far from reaching that dream of being a regular staff at the UNICEF. It's still a long way to go, so I shouldn't be oversleeping, but living my dreams.

Looking at this picture makes me believe, for once in my life, I was at peace.

And I also realized... being productive doesn't come from concentrating on only one role at hand but being able to juggle all those roles of being a student, a social development worker and a frustrated guitarist all together. But, I guess that only applies to me, being hyperactive and for so long a time, been multi-tasking.

Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts.

"we don't ever give up"

Enrollment in UP is equivalent to preparing for a camping. I was prepared with two breads (one for me and one for my company), a book, music player and even brought the guitar all along. If it weren't for these things, I might have lost my mind at the chaos of the processing of papers, of waiting in long lines and of dealing with lots of different people.

I started the day early, aiming to make it to UP by 7:30 in the morning. Our adviser was already at PHAN, but she didn't accept talking with students until it was 8:00. I was glad to meet her because she was nice. I also felt lucky enough that she's the Department Head. It makes me feel like one of the best cookies being pulled out from a cookie jar.

Until, the administrative assistant sort of scolded me for enlisting subjects before I was advised by the Department Head. Me and Eljay had to go back to OUR to cancel the subjects we weren't allowed to take yet. Guess it isn't always a good idea to get ahead of everything.

My subjects for this semester.

All was flowing well until it was time for validation, assessment and getting our Form5s. I was lucky enough to get mine after 3 hours of waiting. But unluckily, Eljay didn't have the same fate. We waited until 4:00 until he burst out all his feelings of irritation and anger on the Registration Assistants, asking an explanation why his number "29" didn't follow 28 nor 30 nor higher numbers than "29" which meant his Form5 was left out, among all other grad students' documents. He apologized to me, for making a scene. But, I guess it wasn't necessary. People do need to vent out and some people do need to be reminded to keep up with their work at systematically the best way, at all times (which means careful planning, strategizing, etc.).

His being pissed off was coming from anxiety of not catching-up with our supervisor, of disturbing the almost perfect enrollment process I was going through by being a burden of waiting for him, and of spending another day at UP just for paying the fees. Which means, being absent again from work. He was feeling kind of hopeless that we might not finish all the enrollment errands within the day, after the confrontation with the RA.

But I told him "we don't ever give up, Jay." I was also shocked that I told him that at around 4:10 in the afternoon and we were just on our way to the OUR to pay the fees. Only to find out that the system was down at OUR, that we had to go another building called ISSI, with wishful thinking that we could get there on time in a duration of 15-minutes walking.

And so we did. We arrived at ISSI by 4:30. I was hoping that other students might have given up finishing all errands on that day and decided to come back again the next day, such that the line would not be too long when we get to the cashier. And, I was right. :)

By 4:45, we finished everything. I could have dance around after preciously holding my paid Form5, my proof that I am now officially enrolled as MA Psych student.

This is Eljay, seemingly teary-eyed, informing his Dad of the good news.

Holding the Form5. Out and proud. :)

After 7 months of preparing for this, here I am. And yes, until that day that I graduate from MA Psych, I will "don't ever give up." :)

everyday small joys are the foundation of happiness

So then, what happened with my resignation letter? The ending is quite very funny.

As I looked back, my supervisor gently threw back to me my resignation letter, with a playful smile and a question "What's this?".  "It's my resignation," I said. He told me we'll talk about it again later, but then he lent me the movie "The Secret".

After watching that movie, we never talked about it again. Until today... when the supervisor next in line asked about my decision to stay or go, seriously.

I learned that my college friend applied to our unit with the same position as mine and I know that there isn't a slight chance that she wouldn't get accepted. My supervisor even remembered that she's a Cum Laude, so I guess that's the assurance she will get in. After hearing from me that she is a very close friend of mine, they joked around saying "If we'd accept her in, would you stay?"

Junior year. With Mylene.

This was the day of our oath as life time member of Pi Gamma Mu.

My good friend was there to support me.

I wasn't quite sure of my answer. I definitely want to work with my friend in the same unit, with the same project and the same position. Just the thought of her being surprised at her first day of work and realizing that I'm there, fills up my heart with excitement. But, I'm also considering about the proximity of office, school and home. It is best to work in Quezon City (QC), go to school in QC and live in QC.

Hanging around UP, a few days before graduation.

UP is my favorite place in the world.

That is why I love Quezon City. :))

Then... this next in line supervisor asked about my resignation letter. I reminded him that it was thrown by our supervisor. He told me that it was found my our clerk, gave it to our supervisor again and was forwarded to the Director. I was quite sure that he was joking but to make it sure, I checked my files and found out the 2 copies of the resignation letter still neatly sealed in the envelopes. It was a joke, after all. I felt relieved.

He asked me to show him the letter. I hesitated at first then gave it to him when he said "I just want to see!".

"Why do you have 2 copies?", he said, while getting the letter out of the envelope and checking if the contents are same.

"Just so, I have a receiving copy for myself."

"Ah.. Okaaaa" , then ripping off the two letters without even finishing his words.

I was at a state of shock for a moment realizing that my ticket to getting out of the office was gone all of a sudden. Then, I felt happy that it wasn't turned in to the Director. Then, I felt happy that everyone agrees it was not the right decision. And, I'm happy that many people cares for me and my future, even at times when I myself have the most cluttered and clouded mind at the time of decision-making. I realized that it takes years and a dose of luck to find such nice people at work who would support you with your decision to study, who'd accept you for your weaknesses and are willing to help you grow, by never getting tired of teaching you the A-Z everyday, and who'd stay with you and let you drink a glass of beer in your all time low. These sort of people are as rare as diamonds to find.

Viewing of documentation of family camp, for their last comments and suggestions.

With Sir Arnel and Sir Anthony.

"Letters like this should be well thought about first", he ended.

Before I came back to my table, he told "Kring, your resignation will be effective 5 years from now."

So that was my simple joy. And that simple joy is the foundation of my happiness at work, probably for the rest of the year or for the next five years, if my supervisors' lips are of an angel.