my fear of death.

It’s again 10:00 in the evening and it will be the fourth night in a row of insomnia if I couldn’t get to sleep tonight. Migraine is stinging my head right now but my mind is yet restless and this entry is about letting all those thoughts seep into paper (or blog), that is.

I’m one of those fascinated with time – of how it is categorized into past, present and future. And words such as ‘often’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’, ‘always’ and ‘someday’ are in the list of recently used words from my vocabulary. I was always the nostalgic one; the one who would tell others how much I miss those times I spent wasting with them. I enjoy joining the craze posting about #throwbackthursday, #flashbackfriday and even #waybackwednesday. Ever wondered why?

It’s because I am afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of that very instant – that second when you transition from a living to a dead person. I wonder what my last feeling and last thought would be just as how I’m curious who the last person I will be with. After that second of death, it’s oblivion. But I will never even know it because I’m no longer feeling nor thinking.

I’m afraid of not being able to feel and think. I’m afraid of not being able to see the world just as I tremble in the thought of leaving everyone behind. I won’t be able to see Daryl, Mama, Papa and Ian, and that thought tears my heart apart.

And though, for the last 25 years, I’ve been pushing the thought away; it remains. Every night, there is always a part in my prayer wherein I beg for Him not to take me yet because I still haven’t reached my dream, haven’t loved people just as much, and haven’t lived my life fully. Every morning, my actions revolve around what memory of me, I would be leaving behind.

As a child, I dreamed of being a seraph. But as I grew old, I learned that I didn’t want to die yet just so I could become one. However, in my years in social work, I realized that I could be an angel here on earth – if I choose to spread kindness and positivity all around. I just hope I did, for the last 25 years.

I am bidding the quarter of a lifetime goodbye soon. And it felt like it all happened so fast and yet I still remember some memories vividly, even from childhood. These comprise the memory of that night when my brother was born, that memory when I got my second bike, that night when I couldn’t sleep and I stared at my glow-in-the-dark Mickey Mouse watch. I can’t believe that I had grown so much and is a very different person now, from the 1-year old me.

I’m afraid of dying. And as I bid those years goodbye, I look back at these memories. There should be more journal entries about those precious memories and how they relate to my present. The future brings excitement but it also transports anxiety and fear.

I’m afraid but the solution is simple. I guess I just need to live more. From here on, every minute is a precious one. Thus, I don’t want them to be wasted in dwelling at negativity. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy and surely, the next days will be maximized.