something from living in auto-pilot

Living in auto-pilot pertains to that days in your life when you do things in routine and doing tasks at hand without the 100% of your consciousness. This is what I refer to, when I talk about those days in the two months time that I think I was in a mud-pile of depression. I wake up, take a bath, eat breakfast, ride the jeepney, ride the train, work, then when the clock strikes 5:00PM, hurry going home, watch TV, eat dinner then sleep.

You'll personally know when you haven't done your best,

when there is a sense of regret inside you,

of not telling, of not asking and 
of simply not doing what your mind was telling you to do.

During those days, I lack inspiration and the motivation to get up. I would do things just because I was needed to. I go to work, just to complete the 8-hour a day requirement of getting paid in full, after 15 days. I didn't do additional tasks leisurely, complained with all those stuffs and persons that would hinder my finishing the task at hand at the quickest time and the worst part was, I lost a sense with listening to music.

But I'm glad to be back in my consciousness and I knew I was, when I stopped begging for another 30 minutes every waking hour of the day. My body started to consciously wake up at 5:30 in the morning and my mind started to consider each detail of every minute that I was in. Lastly, my soul started to crave for music.

One fine day of celebrating music at UP.

I was knocked out of living in auto-pilot on the last day of May. On June 1st, I started to think that I wanted to live a new life from what I was living for the last two months. I realized that one has to be faced with new challenges in order to wake-up from that routine and from living in auto-pilot. New things make us be more conscious of our selves. New challenges make us relearn that we are not yet enough, and there is still more of what we have in our insides that the outside is waiting. Nonetheless, living in auto-pilot is a point in time where the transition from one era to another happens. It helps you adapt to "moving".

The past week has brought so many new things in my life. I was officially enrolled as a graduate student, and I was informed of being hired as a staff of Institutional Partnership and Development of the Pantawid Pamilyang Pilipino Program. These two changes poured  very cold pail of water in my head, as I realized I am but a person yet unripe of holding responsibilities, but is in the process of learning to get there and should not be tired of always out there chasing after my dreams.

Edited by my dear friend, Eljay Lactuan. *claps*

The core of Pantawid Pamilya is helping the child stay in school and be healthy. My passion on helping children was rekindled. And, I realized I'm still too far from reaching that dream of being a regular staff at the UNICEF. It's still a long way to go, so I shouldn't be oversleeping, but living my dreams.

Looking at this picture makes me believe, for once in my life, I was at peace.

And I also realized... being productive doesn't come from concentrating on only one role at hand but being able to juggle all those roles of being a student, a social development worker and a frustrated guitarist all together. But, I guess that only applies to me, being hyperactive and for so long a time, been multi-tasking.

Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts.

"we don't ever give up"

Enrollment in UP is equivalent to preparing for a camping. I was prepared with two breads (one for me and one for my company), a book, music player and even brought the guitar all along. If it weren't for these things, I might have lost my mind at the chaos of the processing of papers, of waiting in long lines and of dealing with lots of different people.

I started the day early, aiming to make it to UP by 7:30 in the morning. Our adviser was already at PHAN, but she didn't accept talking with students until it was 8:00. I was glad to meet her because she was nice. I also felt lucky enough that she's the Department Head. It makes me feel like one of the best cookies being pulled out from a cookie jar.

Until, the administrative assistant sort of scolded me for enlisting subjects before I was advised by the Department Head. Me and Eljay had to go back to OUR to cancel the subjects we weren't allowed to take yet. Guess it isn't always a good idea to get ahead of everything.

My subjects for this semester.

All was flowing well until it was time for validation, assessment and getting our Form5s. I was lucky enough to get mine after 3 hours of waiting. But unluckily, Eljay didn't have the same fate. We waited until 4:00 until he burst out all his feelings of irritation and anger on the Registration Assistants, asking an explanation why his number "29" didn't follow 28 nor 30 nor higher numbers than "29" which meant his Form5 was left out, among all other grad students' documents. He apologized to me, for making a scene. But, I guess it wasn't necessary. People do need to vent out and some people do need to be reminded to keep up with their work at systematically the best way, at all times (which means careful planning, strategizing, etc.).

His being pissed off was coming from anxiety of not catching-up with our supervisor, of disturbing the almost perfect enrollment process I was going through by being a burden of waiting for him, and of spending another day at UP just for paying the fees. Which means, being absent again from work. He was feeling kind of hopeless that we might not finish all the enrollment errands within the day, after the confrontation with the RA.

But I told him "we don't ever give up, Jay." I was also shocked that I told him that at around 4:10 in the afternoon and we were just on our way to the OUR to pay the fees. Only to find out that the system was down at OUR, that we had to go another building called ISSI, with wishful thinking that we could get there on time in a duration of 15-minutes walking.

And so we did. We arrived at ISSI by 4:30. I was hoping that other students might have given up finishing all errands on that day and decided to come back again the next day, such that the line would not be too long when we get to the cashier. And, I was right. :)

By 4:45, we finished everything. I could have dance around after preciously holding my paid Form5, my proof that I am now officially enrolled as MA Psych student.

This is Eljay, seemingly teary-eyed, informing his Dad of the good news.

Holding the Form5. Out and proud. :)

After 7 months of preparing for this, here I am. And yes, until that day that I graduate from MA Psych, I will "don't ever give up." :)

everyday small joys are the foundation of happiness

So then, what happened with my resignation letter? The ending is quite very funny.

As I looked back, my supervisor gently threw back to me my resignation letter, with a playful smile and a question "What's this?".  "It's my resignation," I said. He told me we'll talk about it again later, but then he lent me the movie "The Secret".

After watching that movie, we never talked about it again. Until today... when the supervisor next in line asked about my decision to stay or go, seriously.

I learned that my college friend applied to our unit with the same position as mine and I know that there isn't a slight chance that she wouldn't get accepted. My supervisor even remembered that she's a Cum Laude, so I guess that's the assurance she will get in. After hearing from me that she is a very close friend of mine, they joked around saying "If we'd accept her in, would you stay?"

Junior year. With Mylene.

This was the day of our oath as life time member of Pi Gamma Mu.

My good friend was there to support me.

I wasn't quite sure of my answer. I definitely want to work with my friend in the same unit, with the same project and the same position. Just the thought of her being surprised at her first day of work and realizing that I'm there, fills up my heart with excitement. But, I'm also considering about the proximity of office, school and home. It is best to work in Quezon City (QC), go to school in QC and live in QC.

Hanging around UP, a few days before graduation.

UP is my favorite place in the world.

That is why I love Quezon City. :))

Then... this next in line supervisor asked about my resignation letter. I reminded him that it was thrown by our supervisor. He told me that it was found my our clerk, gave it to our supervisor again and was forwarded to the Director. I was quite sure that he was joking but to make it sure, I checked my files and found out the 2 copies of the resignation letter still neatly sealed in the envelopes. It was a joke, after all. I felt relieved.

He asked me to show him the letter. I hesitated at first then gave it to him when he said "I just want to see!".

"Why do you have 2 copies?", he said, while getting the letter out of the envelope and checking if the contents are same.

"Just so, I have a receiving copy for myself."

"Ah.. Okaaaa" , then ripping off the two letters without even finishing his words.

I was at a state of shock for a moment realizing that my ticket to getting out of the office was gone all of a sudden. Then, I felt happy that it wasn't turned in to the Director. Then, I felt happy that everyone agrees it was not the right decision. And, I'm happy that many people cares for me and my future, even at times when I myself have the most cluttered and clouded mind at the time of decision-making. I realized that it takes years and a dose of luck to find such nice people at work who would support you with your decision to study, who'd accept you for your weaknesses and are willing to help you grow, by never getting tired of teaching you the A-Z everyday, and who'd stay with you and let you drink a glass of beer in your all time low. These sort of people are as rare as diamonds to find.

Viewing of documentation of family camp, for their last comments and suggestions.

With Sir Arnel and Sir Anthony.

"Letters like this should be well thought about first", he ended.

Before I came back to my table, he told "Kring, your resignation will be effective 5 years from now."

So that was my simple joy. And that simple joy is the foundation of my happiness at work, probably for the rest of the year or for the next five years, if my supervisors' lips are of an angel.

"ask and it shall be given"

The past two months was my mud-pile for the year 2012. I was in constant state of restlessness, anxiety and depression. I felt unhappy with work as I dread waking up early in the morning, fighting sleepiness in an almost an hour jeepney ride (wherein I always lose) and standing inside a crowded train thinking about tasks I needed to finish for the day, for the week and for the year. Most of the time, my tummy felt as if it was left with nothing, on early mornings. I would cough and as dry as it is, it would put my eyes into tears. And that's when.. at the first minutes of the morning, I felt my life was miserable and I wanted to stay at home and take a rest from all of its miseries.

"Rain doesn't always mean sadness.

Be grateful for the rain, that farmers would take rest for the day."

I didn't like it. I felt as thought it was myself in another body. I wanted to go back to how I felt, how I think and how I lived before, but giving-up became so easy. Probably, it was because of the routine. Probably, it was because of the long time travel to work. Probably, it was just because of my anxiety over a load of tasks at work and school that would start by June.

Once in a blue moon.

The worse that I did during the depression was make a resignation letter and giving it to my supervisor. I debated with the resignation with both of my parents. Though they tried their best to counsel and make my mind change by reminding me of my financial responsibilities and consoling me with food, it didn't work. I got a splash of reality that what I was planning was "plain gamble" when my supervisor called me to his table and said "what's this?" with a faint smile, referring to the envelope with my resignation letter. "I'll only approve of it if you're going to a greener pasture.", he added.

"But sir...."
"Let's talk about it later."

Later, he lend me a DVD copy of "The Secret". (For those who haven't seen it, here's the official movie site of The Secret). From then, everything has changed.

The movie told about "The Law of Attraction", and how our thoughts work like a magnet while our feelings are our ways to control our thoughts. To put it simply, "we are what we think". If I think of my life as miserable then it would be. If I think of myself as someone unhappy with work, I would continue to be. "I think, therefore, I am."

I think I'm happy. Therefore, I am.

I also learned by heart, in the past two weeks to believe in "ask and it shall be given". Because of all those stress, I would murmur, pray and think of my desire to have a work where I would be more happy. I thought that I would be, if I could transfer to the Central Office which was closer to my home, or if I find a new job which would be closer to home. Only to find out that once I open up my dilemma and ask from other people, they would help me, as if the universe is conspiring to my desire. Now, I feel like I'm on a win-win situation since I would be assigned to a new project by the end of June and I have a chance to transfer to a work near home.

"Ask. Believe. Receive."

It's with the way we think that defines our life. There's a lot in everyday that we should be thankful for. When we start to think of the bright side of every thing, especially those of the bad, it is where contentment, happiness and peace of mind would start to lurk with our beings. And yes, I believe this movie would  change my life.