I doubt that this is just stress. I'm worried that it's close to depression. But since I know a little how to deal with these things, I consciously apply interventions to myself. It's silly really. At times, I just hoped I didn't know the formula of my mathematical problem.
Recently, I've been insomniac. I couldn't sleep at night worrying, and end up in slumber in the morning. I wanted to, but I could only do that on weekends. So, on weekdays I struggle against sleepiness in the dead hours in the office doing paper works and as the clock strikes five, I rush home only to fall asleep on the bus and get nauseated again until 2:00 in the morning.
Last night was the worst so far since there was also headache. "I want to fall asleep" was my mantra while fighting myself from thinking. Because, when I do, it's like an unending web of hopes, of problems and of frustrations. Recently, it has not been of inspirations. I grabbed my mobile phone, looked for the media player and played "Canon - the music box version". That calmed my neurons while concentrating on the tune.
What played in my mind while the tune was playing was memories of childhood. The time of my life where I had no obligations - just doing good in school. I had all the time for myself for doing the things I like - for drawing, for playing outside, for playing computer games with my brother. Some of my happiest moments also subconsciously slipped in my mind such as:
1. the birth of my younger brother - My father was playing with me the living room of our home in Bicol and asked me "would you love your younger brother?". Of course, I will. I do.
Picture break - We were playing with the wooden horse when my father cold us to take a picture.
2. stretching and exercise with Papa, at the rooftop of the field office, somewhere in Sorsogon, of an NGO where my father was working.
3. watching the stars at night, at the same rooftop, while eating sandwiches with cheese spread with Papa.
4. playing as princesses with my cousins using the curtains of our grandfather's "salas" (living room).
5. playing hide and seek, "Langit Lupa", and "Sili-sili" at the vacant lot / backyard of my cousin's home.
6. getting excited for getting a new dress for my Barbie doll, as a reward for doing good in school from Papa.
7. getting excited for my brother who was getting a gift from me on his birthday (a soldier set, much like a terrarium) which my parents didn't approve because it was not for his age.
8. playing "Patintero" at black out nights, thereby using the moonlight with neighborhood friends.
9. one afternoon, after school, spent running around the neighborhood with my first and childhood crush (on elementary), who later on became my first boyfriend (on high school).
I know I had more, but it rolled back to the attic of my brain.
And all I could remember while waking up the next morning was,
"I'm back to the present".
I have an idea how this depression will be solved, from its roots but at this time, I couldn't yet. I would be able to talk more about it later too, when God permits. I'm alright. I will be better, in the future.
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