the pros and cons of being a UP student

"Buti na lang Kring, hindi ka mayabang kahit tagaUP ka."
"It's good that even though you're from UP, you didn't turn out to be boastful Kring."

That's what remained as a memory of today from a jeepney ride with a colleague. It also left me wondering why most graduates of UP are seen as boastful or arrogant. I think, they're just doing their best, and are hated for it. It's no difference from people of other schools that have boastful creations too. However, it is the stereotype that coming from a prestigious university makes one righteous and arrogant.

"Matapang, matalino, walang takot kahit kanino." We were taught to speak out our opinions and ideas, without being afraid. We were trained to sacrifice our sleeping hours to finish our term papers, thesis, reaction papers along with a bucket of reading list, in that hard work was always equal to a good mark and a happy feeling inside of fulfillment. It was made clear to us that "there is a time for work, and a time for play". We were taught to exert all the best in what's within us, to every work at hand.

This is just but one con of being a UP graduate. Yet this is not of heavier weight at the shoulder. To be a graduate of UP entails a series of proving one's self uplifting "honor and excellence" and being very careful of each move so as to preserve the name of the school, your name is connected to. At times, there might be some instances when you're asked to stretch your duties, just because you could do better than anyone else. And though, one hasn't the agenda to lift one self, a UP graduate is most often compared to graduates of other school. Believe me, it is but also a difficult life-long task of patience and humility.

But let's also look back to the PROS.

Like me, with no any other achievement in other realms of life such as sport, being a graduate of UP is the only saving grace where I get my confidence to make my dreams come true. Being a graduate of UP opens your doors to endless possibilities, if you carefully choose your path to go and doors to enter. Have you heard of the tutor website where only students or graduates from UP are admitted? In my three years as a worker, I experienced proof that a UP graduate doesn't have any difficulty looking for a job since he or she if from UP. But of course, one will be, because UP has already equipped him/her to do well.

Another good thing about UP and its culture is its organizations and clubs. In our freshmen and sophomore years, we all tried to enter organizations and clubs and has undergone a series of emotional, mental turn down of challenges. As I look back, I went to my Art Studies class one morning with my eyes puffed because of tears, as I just finished my final interview with the International Club of UP. My classmates consoled me that morning saying that "we all go through with it, but the best part is being accepted as a member." As I prepared myself for an interview with DSWD months back, I looked back to that day and I compared it. If it haven't for that "hell day" as an applicant of ICUP, I haven't nourished the self-esteem in me to be just myself in interviews and just tell what is in my heart and mind without considering if I get accepted or not. Fortunately, in both interviews, I passed.

In contrast, I grew up to be humble because of UP because in UP it was an endless chase of knowing that you are the best, but meeting somebody else that is better than you. In UP, I learned my strengths, own talents and skills just as I learned my weaknesses, from the fellow UP students I earned as friends through the years. Getting a grade of 2.75 taught me that I could not pass, if I don't read. It is in my failures as a UP student, that I learned to become "everyone's student" for I am not as good as them. Everyone, even the jeepney driver, the farmer, the fisher folk or the child at your neighborhood, can be your teacher.

With my batch mates at UP. It was our last year.

It was time, everyone was both sad and happy.

Only one thing I hope is that, UP graduates shall be seen as ordinary people too, with emotions and could commit mistakes, just like them. But anyway, in life, everything always has its pros and cons, you just have to live with it.

patience in a fast-phased world and celebrating Christmas differently.

Just today, I realized that I had grown to be a very impatient person. In that, you can never talk to me for more than 5 minutes without me reaching for the mobile phone sending text message to another person or receiving a phone call or calling another person. It was this afternoon that I and two other co-workers in DSWD were waiting at SM Foundation for the money that children saved through caroling. We waited for more than half an hour, until I said "Why is it taking so long.?" and I added "I am so impatient, I just thought."

A Cup of Comfort / Patience

Where do we need patience for? It keeps us calm amid pressure. It keeps us sane. It makes us value time more. It makes us enjoy the moment as it happens and forget worrying about the future. It makes us contented of what is in the present, to work with it and enjoy it. This might be a different meaning of patience but this is how I see it.

Children are the most impatient of peoples, but they force us to keep our patience.

[This picture was taken by Ms. Jenny Darish during the Pasko ng Batang Pinoy 2011]

This month's character of the month at our Field Office is "generosity", a perfect character learning for the Christmas season. I learned that generosity does not only mean giving material things but TIME as well. From that Monday morning that I heard that, I tried to be give more time when talking with anybody and putting all the lists that I have to do, aside. In the length of a month of practicing, I felt more happy and I felt more human.

With a hectic itinerary, it was difficult not to do things immediately, urgently and quickly. But then, I got lost with all the things to do. Sometimes, we need to take a break and stop. On that moment that we stop, we realize the background of what we are doing and for what purpose it serves.That is why I am grateful of the holidays as it requires people to take a break, to remember family and friends and to enjoy their selves. Life is more than just work, I recently realized. Next year, I will JUST LIVE. Life is an ice cream, eat it before it melts. 

Here are some of the photographs capturing memories of the my Christmas 2011, I'd like to keep. Thanks to Kuya Onin, for all the pictures!

Merry Christmas VOA!

Japanese Dinner on Christmas Day with VOA

It was first time for me to spend Christmas in Metro Manila.

I never thought there was so many sights to see in the city!

Especially, this Christmas Lighting "Make It Happen Makati"

After a jokingly quarrel with Kuya Allan :)

Playing around Christmas statues with VOA. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sziH7cIKP8

And yeah, here's my Christmas gift for everybody. ^^

a social worker knows her own intervention

like a doctor knows her own medicine. Fortunately, I know... the cure, the immediate first-aid treatment but not the prevention. I shouldn't be writing this, but just because writing is an intervention, I wanted to and for the same reason that I have something to look back or I hope to laugh about in the future.

I doubt that this is just stress. I'm worried that it's close to depression. But since I know a little how to deal with these things, I consciously apply interventions to myself. It's silly really. At times, I just hoped I didn't know the formula of my mathematical problem.

Recently, I've been insomniac. I couldn't sleep at night worrying, and end up in slumber in the morning. I wanted to, but I could only do that on weekends. So, on weekdays I struggle against sleepiness in the dead hours in the office doing paper works and as the clock strikes five, I rush home only to fall asleep on the bus and get nauseated again until 2:00 in the morning.

Last night was the worst so far since there was also headache. "I want to fall asleep" was my mantra while fighting myself from thinking. Because, when I do, it's like an unending web of hopes, of problems and of frustrations. Recently, it has not been of inspirations. I grabbed my mobile phone, looked for the media player and played "Canon - the music box version". That calmed my neurons while concentrating on the tune.

What played in my mind while the tune was playing was memories of childhood. The time of my life where I had no obligations - just doing good in school. I had all the time for myself for doing the things I like - for drawing, for playing outside, for playing computer games with my brother. Some of my happiest moments also subconsciously slipped in my mind such as:

1. the birth of my younger brother - My father was playing with me the living room of our home in Bicol and asked me "would you love your younger brother?". Of course, I will. I do.

 Picture break - We were playing with the wooden horse when my father cold us to take a picture.

2. stretching and exercise with Papa, at  the rooftop of the field office, somewhere in Sorsogon, of an NGO where my father was working.

3. watching the stars at night, at the same rooftop, while eating sandwiches with cheese spread with Papa.

4. playing as princesses with my cousins using the curtains of our grandfather's "salas" (living room).

5. playing hide and seek, "Langit Lupa", and "Sili-sili" at the vacant lot / backyard of my cousin's home.

6. getting excited for getting a new dress for my Barbie doll, as a reward for doing good in school from Papa.

7. getting excited for my brother who was getting a gift from me on his birthday (a soldier set, much like a terrarium) which my parents didn't approve because it was not for his age.

8. playing "Patintero" at black out nights, thereby using the moonlight with neighborhood friends.

9. one afternoon, after school, spent running around the neighborhood with my first and childhood crush (on elementary), who later on became my first boyfriend (on high school).

I know I had more, but it rolled back to the attic of my brain.

And all I could remember while waking up the next morning was,
"I'm back to the present".

I have an idea how this depression will be solved, from its roots but at this time, I couldn't yet. I would be able to talk more about it later too, when God permits. I'm alright. I will be better, in the future.

Out of greatest rejection, comes our greatest direction

That was a quote from a friend from Palawan named Arl Marie. It was random for her to send this text message but it meant a lot to me, because it's actually my learning for today.

This morning I couldn't help myself from crying bitterly while eating my snack on a fast food restaurant. I didn't want to cry but the emotions are just too much that tears kept falling. I was in a public place, but the tears didn't care. It was too much frustration and anger to the self - for taking too long time to decide. Indecision is the next thing that I should conquer within myself. What serves as a cup of comfort for me today was a line from B.O.B.'s Airplanes that goes...

"So Airplane, airplane, sorry I'm late.
I'm on my way, so don't close that gate.
If I don't make that, then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be back right at it, by the end of the night."

Earlier this morning, I went to the Department of Social Welfare and Development - NCR. A friend from UP informed me of a job opening, 3 weeks earlier from today. After too long indecision, I finally decided to give it a try, after reading that it involves community organizing and with focus on street children in Manila. After 24 hours, I learned that my application was too late for the DSWD Central Office. And after taking a trip to Old Manila and lurking its streets, I learned that the only opening on the NCR Field Office was for Administrative Assistant.

On the way to the NCR office, I decided to take a pedicab from Legarda St. corner Recto Avenue only to find out that the office was just a few blocks away from the pedicab terminal and which I could do with 2-3 minutes walk. I hated the pedicab driver who took advantage, and didn't just advise me to walk. However, I kept patient in front of him, considering the difficulty of him getting passengers day in and day out.

 "Sometimes, we become close minded which also closes the opportunities that are just close. [kringchan via Twitter]" If I hadn't been too focused on "I should get a pedicab to go to DSWD after walking from Sergio Loyola St. to Legarda St.", I could have seen the DSWD office which was obviously only a few walks more. More so, if I hadn't been closing my mind and limiting myself from the opportunities that the world is giving, I would be standing still, with no growth. Years ago, I always told myself not to work under a government office because it would just take away my passion upon seeing the reality of corruption. Today, I learned that DSWD (despite the fact that it is the LEAST corrupt government office of the Philippines), is still the best institution for us social workers to apply our knowledge and skills. On one hand, government fund is bigger and more stable than that of non-government organizations, all the more requiring genuine gatekeepers. On the other hand, social workers were trained for "standards" and the "standards" are applied and are required to be safeguarded by DSWD.

Before I went out of the fast food, I read my resume again from top to bottom. I remembered an advice I read somewhere (sorry, if I can't put reference to you my dear article) that goes "if you feel too far from your dreams, take a moment to pause and look back on how far you have reached, savor that moment of you still having the gap between the reality and your dreams, and refresh yourself of your motivations for fighting". That's exactly what I did. I've been an intern and volunteer for five NGOs already. I've worked with ACCE for 2 years. From here, I want to study Masters in Psychology, to work for DSWD sooner or later (if God permits) and still looking forward to that day where I would enter my class and ask my students "so... what brings you here?". 

 

My present work (Child-organizing and organizing guardians for BCPC)
Taken during field work in Perez, Alabat Island, project site of ACCESS.
Just finished a week of tutorial class and meeting with guardians.

Truly, "there is no perfection, there is only.. life." 

keeping it sane, by retreating to my favorite place

which made me insane, five years ago. My life in "Peyups" (University of the Philippines) remains the greatest turning point in my life. It pushed me to work hard, to keep on chasing my dreams and to value honor and excellence. These gave a lot of pressure as insanity over ideologies sunk in. It made me "grow-up", although not too much in the physical looks. But I'm glad, it is the same place that keeps me sane.

Over the weekend, amidst confusion over opinions and haziness of being busy, I was happy to retreat, and find myself again.

 
"Cause there's a blue sky, waiting tomorrow" - Blue Skies by Hale

I really enjoyed this weekend which my family and one of my best friends prepared for me. It felt like a long weekend. It felt like I've been away from work long enough and sufficient enough to inspire me again. It felt like I've reconnected with my self, from long ago, like being able to attend a retreat.

From yesterday, I've been spending time with watching:

1. How I met your mother series
2. A Crazy Little Thing Called Love (Thai movie)
3. Kung Fu Panda (though I've seen it in theaters, it still feels well seeing with little brother)

4. Camp Rock 2 (led me to practice guitar, later this evening)
5. Street Dance
6. and now - (Harapan: Debate about Divorce Bill in Philippines, should it be passed or not?)

Being able to attend the mass (with Mama and Ian) at the UP Chapel in the morning made me nostalgic over my first year in the university. A year where hopes were high and when I could feel that me and my friends believe that anything is possible now that we're given a chance to study in UP. We called our selves "Alien Society" or Aliens in reference to "people who had the highest grades in UP, who was intelligent enough to be regarded by other persons as out of this world" .

After the mass, I insisted that we eat at Rodic's [since 194], the oldest canteen at UP and home of the best tapsilog in town. My brother also loved it! I thought that sharing the things you love with your loved ones is a beautiful thing by giving them a splice of your life. For 4 years that I studied in university, I was away from Mama and Ian, who were both living in our hometown, Bicol. It was only at present time, when everyone is now living in Quezon City, that I could have the chance to share them the places, stories, food, etc. that kept me company at those years that I felt lonesome.
 

"Ang sarap ng tapsilog dito Ate!"
(My brother enjoying his tapsilog)
 

After the long day, I say.... "I STILL love UP".
 

And... I'm off to see the debate. I missed so much already. I'd like to listen to opinions of various people with regards to the Divorce Bill. Although I don't like the timing of debating about it at this time because it is a "U-turn" to the long debate about passing the Reproductive Health Bill.

 

 

the new generation call their other half, "half-orange".

People at my age. Well, that's really sweet, for it might be what most of us are looking for - someone who'll like be our twin, some romantic love story where in your other half is in to your interests too, just like in the movies. Not only the vivid color of orange, makes it interesting but also the metaphor that when you cut an orange in half, you'll get the same thing, twice the quantity.

 

*Click Photo for Reference.

People at my age. In a relationship. Dating. Looking for someone. Getting married. Having children. I'm happy that most of them have theirs, and I'm happy that I don't. (Well, maybe.) But at least, I'm learning so much from not having one, and enjoying too all the while dreaming of that person, that days, when I'll be finally in a serious, committed relationship with someone responsible enough to take the commitment. Recently, I've felt a couple of mixed emotions such as happiness over just having a friend by your side who'll stick with you, at your worse and would care to treat you with coffee and ice cream to lift up the mood. I also felt sadness with a friend who told I could have been the perfect girl for him but I am most suited to be treated like a sibling, to him. I felt excitement overhearing someone liked my best friend and with that excitement, came a little bit of anger for he really never liked it. I felt contentment over just having found friends I could keep for the rest of my life, but a little afraid that I won't be entering into a relationship soon, because of them. I was confused why a friend was confused over my joke which sounded serious, but seriously it was only a joke. And just today, I felt inspired when I heard Canon played in string quartet and imagined that is just the perfect music for a proposal. (In totally unrelated news, I love blogs because I could just write with my run-on sentences without being scolded by my father). I also wonder, why fathers should always have a say about your boyfriend. Anyhow, even me... I'm all psyched up with these relationship thingy but... recently, I realized I'm just not ready for it... anymore.

People at my age. We wonder how it feels like to just to lay around and watch TV with someone during rainy days. We get hurt with our dreams shattered away with people leaving. We have a minute in every day thinking about the person who keeps us sad or happy at night, at the moment. We cry about past love stories and reminisce about it again and again. We love, we fall-out, we regret, we justify but in the end, realize that it was all worth it and think "it was good while it lasted, the moments have been seized". We hate the bitter after taste but still hope to meet the dessert, sometime in the future. We have friends whom we talk about it again and again. Probably, the media, the movies, the arts, the literature or life itself is to be blamed. We are just a generation, that is so into love.

writing, I miss you.

Last time I checked, I last wrote on this journal on April 11, 2011 and it felt like it has been forever. There is no new learning I'd like to share today, just the feeling that I've become so lonely and not myself without writing. I can't say I was too busy or lost the interest to do so.  Maybe, it's both or maybe not.

This blog post will probably pointless, but I just missed letting the thoughts flow from my brain to my fingertips, as the page gets filled with words. I missed.... writing.

Tonight, I phased-out during the bus ride and as consciousness sprung back at me, I was surprised that I was not in a familiar place anymore. I tried to call my friend to ask for help but he didn't answer. I guess my father was right when he said, it's only you that could help yourself. When I got down the bus, a pang of fear struck me. In the past 5 years, I thought I could live alone but the truth is, I couldn't. I was scared to take another bus again that would go the opposite direction and take me back. I was also afraid to ride a taxi, considering exposes about taxi drivers kidnapping, hold-up and schemes. At last, I bet for my life and just prayed the taxi driver would be kind. In the 4 months, that I went home in Fairview, I never felt so comfortable seeing our old torn door.

Last night was a shock. As a friend bid goodbye to me and explained reasons for leaving, I couldn't say a thing. It was as if my words were stolen by her angst and anxiety. As I said goodbye seeing her rode the jeepney, I smiled. I wondered if I could ever give that same smile again to her again. We rode another jeepney and there, the tears fell. Fortunately, the rain was puring hard so no one could ever notice. I cried for the guilt of things that I could have done for her, when she felt so tired, stressed and confused. Her decision seem undebatable and I just hope for a miracle to happen. I realized, I was still an immature 21-year old trying to tell the whole world I could do things, but the truth is, I still cannot.

Stories of my friend who is now a teacher in Ateneo High School is interesting. He told me about first-day jitters, about students telling him directly at his face that he's "not interested" with him, about colleagues's personality that unfolds to him gradually each day, about future activities of him with his students in a public school for community service in the form of free tutorial classes and... more. In the end, I envy him because his work seemed interesting. I'm glad he found something that would give him happiness and would give him opportunity to help his family, at the same time. He would be able to hit two bird with one stone in the next couple of years.

In my elementary years, I loathed the teaching profession. "I don't want to be a teacher, I don't have interest in what they do, They seem to tired everyday", were my words as a child. Unknowingly, the work of a social worker, my present work, requires more. Gradually, realizations unfold. In the middle of bus rides, I caught myself imagining myself inside a class room giving instructions in a workshop. I even felt the thrill as if I was in the reality of doing the workshop. Sometimes, I would catch myself saying "If I was the teacher, I would have prepared more." More so, when I teach our scholars in Alabat Island, I feel happy just being able to share my knowledge to them and seeing them respond "ah! that's why! (especially in Science, my favorite subject in elementary)". Little by little, I assessed what's happening with my unconscious for it is as if I have longed to be a teacher all my life. And this envy - this envy over my friend who shared stories about his first day as a teacher, it brings me to the conclusion, I was made for teaching.

But when I start to plan in detail, I lose self-confidence. Now, I am a social worker in an NGO. This year, I was asked to do assistance in both Administrative tasks as well as Education, Training and Advocacy. Today was a sad day really. I spent the whole day planning how to organize papers, files and folders - inputting it into a computer. I finished it, but it was dragging. While doing it, I thought "I didn't study social work to clean up clutters of papers!" but when I finished, I was consoled with the thought that "If this would be implemented, then our work would be much more efficient and effective not only for staff but for the people we serve." So, actually what I did today is still a task of Social Work. It is just not what I love to do. :(

When I plan modules and workshops, I always ask myself "which strategy is best for people to get what I wanted them to learn from me?". I always worry about "what they would remember after I had given this lecture or workshop". Five minutes before implementation, I always feel anxious of my plan and I secretly pray that there would be typhoon, no electricity or participants would be absent just so it would be cancelled. However, during implementation, I seem to lose myself. I do things according to plan and it seems like the other part of my brain which is hidden works for me. Exhaustion, then comes after that is, fulfillment.

I would love to spend my everyday thinking about workshops, reading or making workshop materials with my own bare hands. That'll probably what I would like to do 3 to 5 years from now when unfortunately I got uninterested with the routine that I have been doing in the last 2 years. For I am a person, who doesn't like routine, but spontaneity. 

However, it's quite out-of-line if I'd teach elementary or high school. I'd like to also share my experiences with matured people. I would like to hear fresh ideas from young people (like me). I would like to hear debates and see things get more clarified and clear as debate progresses. And so, I dream to be a university professor.

of Social Work? of Community Development? of Sociology? of International Relations? I don't know yet.

I'm now really very excited to come back to the university and get back to studying. I haven't chosen yet but I thought would get my dream more specified in the future, when I am already in the middle of my studies. That's what happened in my undergraduate studies, by the way. I've come to love social work while I was studying it. I'll get to know if the water's really cold, as I rush into it.

That is all for now. I'm glad I've let out these thoughts tonight, before tucking myself in my blanket.

P.S.
I hope to get my own camera soon, as I would start Project 365 from my 22nd birthday,
to discover, enhance and play with my skills in photography.

turning your back from a friend is a hard thing to do

Really, it was a hard thing to do. I was forcing myself to do it, as I said goodbye to Haruna, Bebe and Yuri tonight, and walked to the jeepney terminal to get home. It's been a year since I first met them and it has been a fruitful one. Within one year, we laughed with corny jokes, pondered hard on how to deal with planning of one-day-study tour, cried over lost money of fair trade goods and shared tired moments after a hard day's volunteer work.

Here are some of memorable moments I shared with them: 「それはなつかしいです」。It brings me nostalgia.

[VOA Meeting, sometime in August (?), Farewell Party for Shino maybe.
Every VOA meeting is a memorable experience - full of laughters and sincerity, at the same time.]

[with GET members Yuko, Uzu and Yuho. Bebechan was interpreter.
We interviewed two students from Ateneo about their views on poverty and Smoky Mountain.]

[at Manila Ocean Park. Happy times ♪♪♪]

[Summer Camp with SSDN-Youth and FIT members. w/ Bebechan]

[Tribute to Youth (Dec. 4, 2010) was product of everyone's hardwork. Photo by Nino Bayan]



[at Banaue with native Ifugaos, December 2011. 

In Banaue, we walked for ~2 hours just to get to the Spring. Happy memories. ♪♪♪
Photo by Nino Bayan]

[First ever VOA Meeting. June 2010] 

Probably, the sadness comes from saying goodbye to people of my age. It was easy to talk to them since our interests mesh. It was easy to feel comfortable and it was easy to be friends. That's why, it's so hard to let go. But then again, maybe the sadness comes from the fear that I may never see them again. But I keep reminding myself that it's not true. We all have the same goal and that is "to help build a better world and to help impoverished people". I believe that because of this goal, we WILL see each other again.

As volunteers, I learned many things from them. Being with them made me regret that I didn't maximize my college life to get to know more about NGOs. Through them, I learned that people don't need to have a degree on Social Work nor Community Development to help other people. What's important is the passion and commitment to "do something" as well as the interest to study more about what's happening with the world. Probably, there are only a few people in the world who naturally has these characteristics that's why I'm glad I was able to meet 3 of these kind of people in my life. They are my inspirations, and they are my idols and I'll keep working with ACCESS to meet more people like them. 

[Last picture near Cubao Office, before saying goodbye.]

 

べべちゃん、ゆりちゃん、はるなちゃん、

日本で、いつもきをつけて。げんきだね。

また会う日まで。ークリン

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." (Semisonic)

"Where do we go from here?", Fr. Jun asked the graduates of Redemptorists today. Graduation is a day for happiness. Yet, it also showers us with the cold water of reality that "You graduated! What's next?".

Congratulations to Marlon, Jun, Teody, Bong, Dano (Magna Cum Laude), Dustine, Harold, Herson, Kervin and Marvin for graduating AB Philosophy from the Christ the King Mission Seminary, today. Also, congratulations to my cousin, Karen. :)

future is blurry but I'd like to make it clear

 [Bloomfields performing at "Wednesday Habit" at Eastwood City.]

Life is blurry, just like this picture at Eastwood City yesterday evening. I went there with Filipino and Japanese volunteers to watch the Bloomfields and to see Yuri, Bebe and Haruna, for the last time. But, I learned that I would be seeing them again on Sunday and Monday, before they take Tuesday's flight. I listened, I drunk, I ate, I chatted and I watched Peter and Kuya Archie being scared but having fun jumping at the trampoline. I went home at midnight then, couldn't sleep. When eyes finally closed, the body didn't want to rise up until it was lunch time. Back to the accomplishment report of ACCESS at work, roamed around Cubao after work and now, reflecting.

Back to reflections... With life, we don't know what'll happen tomorrow. Though you roughly know how it would turn about, you don't know what sudden things may happen. 

While I was at Eastwood, I felt comfortable and happy but at the same time, felt that the world is not mine and that this world brings me sadness, which is ironic. I realized that I was a person who had traversed the two sides of life - the world of the rich and the world of the poor. I enjoy the music, art, food and comfort in material things that the rich has, as what I had a bite while I was at Eastwood. However, along with this comfort, is the sinking feeling that most people I met in the communities couldn't feel and experience this life which I had a glimpse of living.

I confess that Eastwood is for rich people. Koreans, Japanese, Chinese and other nationalities would often the place. Eastwood City is a beautiful place in the Philippines, build not for Filipinos, I thought as we were walking around Eastwood. And, at one moment, I remembered Aokichi who asked me "what do you like about the Philippines?"

-> I like Philippines because I could eat Japanese, French, Italian, American food whenever I want, and I could feel like I'm in a different country at some times, if I would want to be. I like experiencing other culture, this is what I like about Phil. But, it's also a problem.

At last, I thought again if I could turn back from my decision to walk with the poor. I could always turn back, apply in a call center and earn more money. However, I figured that the life of that wouldn't bring the equal happiness that my life as an NGO worker give. I don't want to exchange the smiles of children, the hugs from women, the tears of mothers looking for comfort and the people whom I work with who live simply but intelligently. I don't want to exchange all of this with more money.

[So many things to do for the Philippines and the World, so little time.
This is the busy street of Arayat, Cubao, I pass by everyday, coming to office.]

I have an image of myself in the future. But, I don't know how I'll reach that image, and sometimes, I worry that I might not. The future is blurry but I'd like to make it clear by polishing my feelings and thoughts about the life I chose.

defying one's shake, rattle and roll

is just easy. Go with it.

There will be points in your life where you thought that you've reached the peak, where you learned contentment and thought that you might live on in the future continuing what's in the now. Then all of a sudden, a strong earthquake will strike wherein the stable land that you're standing in will get a crack, gradually break and soon you'll fall. The crack, that is where I am.

It's been almost 6 years since I moved in Manila to prepare myself in the life of a university student. In the 4 years that I've been here, I became contented with late night chats or getting used to insomnia because of school work. I got used to friends who'll spend overnight at other friends' house, of eating at McDonalds, of keeping one's self happy through concerts, movies, anime and all commercialism has to offer. In the next 2 years, I'd spent in on travelling and meeting other people which kept me sane in as if the world was my playground and every people I met is a grain of sand which glides away from my hand soon after I picked it up from the beach. All these getting used to drove me to contentment, of standing on the edge of the Earth but in a solid ground.

Until I went home to Bicol... In a little less than 5 days, all those huge chunk of nostalgia hit me. Bit by bit, the memories which I thought I have buried in time sink in my senses and sing "it's all coming back to me, all coming back to me now". I met my friends again, relatives, playmates, as well as the then lovers. Their life has moved just a bit, but it's been just like before, yet with a few improvements of icing or spice on top.

A friend told me that he wouldn't want to move to Manila and he'll enjoy married life and die, in the same place where he grew up, in our barangay. While another told me, he feels exactly how I feel - Bicol has shrunk, and that to get married and stay in Bicol for the rest of his life is now an impossible reality. Friends who now have children taught me to be serious with love and to take each step with benign wisdom.

In two, or three or four or five years, I'll be in the exact position as them - learning how to prepare milk for my baby. But I'm caught in wonder, how I should choose the person to marry. It is not given in a piece of paper after solving a puzzle and definitely not like winning in a lottery, where you'll get the ideal person you've been praying for.

Before my writing has taken me to another planet because of the rush of thoughts, one thing I just want to ponder from now is how to defy this sudden shake of a question - would I want to stay the same in the next three, four or five years? And my decision is just to go with it, let the ground gradually break and I'll see what I'll do after I have fallen. Usually, I do best when I've already fallen.

to open-up yourself so that other's may come in

Picture yourself talking with an old guy and him giving advise of how you can forgive yourself by letting all the thoughts fade into nothingness from your head, so that other thoughts may come in. It's the unforgettable scene I got from Eat, Pray, Love played by Julia Roberts. In fact, all I did in "All Saint's Day" was watch movies (since I couldn't go home to Bicol to visit my departed and loved uncle, Tito Jun). 

Movies I watched today: :D
1. The Switch
2. Eat, Pray, Love
3. The Social Network (I have to write about it next time!)

I actually I heard the same lesson from Hunter x Hunter. Kurapika's teacher was telling Kurapika "how could I help you fill your mind when your mind is already like a cup filled with water". He told Kurapika to drain the cup first. It's true.

That's why I believe with what Socrates said that "wisdom is knowing that I know nothing". In that way, you'll start to crave for learning and knowing the things you don't know. Logical. That's the mistake of most people - who closes their shells enough and just pokes up their head to tell others about their own idea. You know what they remind me of? Turtles.

Pictures of cute turtles are from here.

Turtles are afraid and sensitive. or a better description are snails. Once you hold a snail, they crawl inside their shells, locking their selves away from the outside world. Why are they so scared? Why do they think they know all when it's an impossibility for one t know everything.

Since a few months ago, I started to open up and I've gained a handful of learnings which I haven't written yet in these blog. Now, I'm taking another advice to "accept all the other people you meet in your lifetime as your teacher". I'll try... No, I'll do whatever it takes not to be a turtle nor a snail. 

it's self-indulgence to write about your love story.

The cast (Always, San Chome no Yuhi 2),
while waiting for the announcement of the Literary Award winner. Picture's from here.

I learned it from the rich father of 'Junnosuke' from (Always, San Chome no Yuhi) who commented on Chagawa-san's touching story in the Blue Authentic which apparently was a finalist for a Literary Prize. He commented that Chagawa-san's writing is nothing but a mere self-indulgence or in other words, gratifying one's self through writing about own real life emotions and thoughts.

which is true.

Chagawa-san, the novelist. My favorite character, next to Ippei. ._. 
Picture's from here.

However, he missed a point that art is the 'expression of one's self'. Going by the logic that literature is art, self's expression through writing is still art, may it be written creatively and beautifully or not. What am I saying.. or rather writing.

What I just want to express is that.... for people, it is therapeutic to write about one's self. More so, it is an art for the matter that I believe in art as the opportunity for every human being to be given freedom to express what goes on with his or her mind, what he or she pictures when his or her eyes are closed and to try to paint a scenery from their own imaginations may their be tools be paintbrush, guitar or pen.

I forgot where I got this picture ages ago. I'm sorry.

All of a sudden, I remembered my friend Jesse, a Philisophy student, who lectured to me before about "love as the primary motivation of any human being to take any action" such as the "Helen of Troy" or the "Romeo and Juliet" or even the fate of Marcos to be dictator with the push of his wife, Imelda Marcos. From him, I learned that "love can make one do things beyond the limits" and "be creative". I must say forgiveness to Jesse for not remembering the philosopher's name who initiated the thought. 

So then, I'll continue to write as well as sing and draw about love, as my favorite subject of art, poetry and music. <3

the feel-good feeling brought by making someone happy

My today's post was supposed to be about nuts, warm milk and not having caffeine for at least 4 hours before you go to bed will make your sleeping patterns better... but save it for next time.

Walking past the apartments beside our NGO's office, I was comfortably pressing my head against my rounded hat and thinking about someone's reminder of me taking rest seriously. It might have been the most gloomy afternoon and the routine heading back to my father's nook, eating dinner and dozing off if not for my silliest idea of taking my father out for a movie. It was a sudden temptation that brought me and just a slip of the tongue that I said "I'll treat you." Unexpectedly, his face painted a light and glad smile that I thought secondly of saying "I was just joking, I'm saving money these days." So, there we went...

While we were on the way to the theaters, I was consoling myself that it was alright since it was only once in a while and that basically, it was the money I would have spent for food and bus fares if I didn't got sick and stayed at home for 3 days.

Want to know more about the movie. Click here.

"Life as we know it" was about two young adults who hated each other at the start but learned to love each other by taking care of Sophie, their god daughter, after she has been orphaned after her parents, who were the best friends of the two died in a car accident. It was a trick of fate.

After the movie, my father and I walked through the mall swiftly, pass the shops and got-off the train station, as routinely as we do each time we're heading back home at his nook. By the time, we were closing home, he walked slowly and said "it was a good movie, better than Resident Evil."

"But I thought Resident Evil was your favorite", I replied.

"Yes, but I've got copies of all episodes in my computer", he said.

I didn't get it at first but I guess he was just thankful for a little time outside with her daughter and for the free movie. Most of the time, it's he who paid and I've got to choose the movie I like. This time, I let him pick but he picked "Life as we know it", probably in consideration with what I would like. Today, I don't regret the slip of the tongue for it's immeasurable with the feelings I had after seeing his smile of "excitement" when I said I'll treat him. In the end, I thought "money isn't really that important in life, but you need it to make the people you love happy sometimes." I hope to see that smile from Papa again.

we're a generation of people making most out of our time that we sometimes forget to take it slow

I wrote this weeks ago... luckily, LJ had back-up saved. 

Since the doctor told me about persons of my age are becoming prone to my sickness, I couldn't help but wonder what's the sociology behind it. I started to look at my own self and the people of same age around me.

We are always "on-the-go". We are people who tries to wake up early everyday to live our dreams - to catch the train or bus to office, to enjoy what we most like to do at work, to save money for out-of town and country trips and to stay up late at night with long unmet friends. We are people who want to make the most of everyday - resulting into insomniac nights, days without breakfast and penny in our pockets spent not on food alone but of all the material things this fruitful time of technology is offering. 

Though there's nothing wrong with making the most out of our lives, we must also take a step back and take care of ourselves. So as not to suffer from pains of monthly medication and the frustration of being unable to do things that we like. Our hearts and minds may force our body to move mountains, but still, the movement depends on our body that's why we must take care of it more than we value our minds and hearts.

I've always been thinking like this for 3 months now but there's always been the day in a week that I'm plastered on bed. Just to realize, I've learned nothing at all for I haven't applied it. 3 months more to go for the medication.... I should be more kind to my body from now. and I advise all people in my age not to think that "we are superhuman", that a tiny drop of rain couldn't affect us, because it could. With regards to health, forget all about the superheroes (Batman, Superman, Wonderwoman, Astroboy, Voltes 5, Power Rangers) that we grew up with because we are all just 'humans'. Take a rest for a while. <3

sometimes, you have to let go of your grip just to fall and land on a safety net.

I actually experienced this on the bus on my way home. Not as usual, the bus was crowded and there were no vacant seats so I was standing from Rotonda until Coastal Mall in the farthest side of the bus, where there are 6 (?) seats aligned. At the time when some passengers who was sitting at the middle of these 6 seats, I was excited to finally sit down. In my excitement, I lost my grip of the steel bar as the bus suddenly moved. I fell and i felt the rush of blood in my veins which sent the signal to my brain of 'nervousness'. Yet seconds later, I fell at the exact spot where I wanted to sit. Luckily, it was a good fall and I felt happy being in a comfortable place just right after feeling nervous.

And then I thought of my life now... which is again on a turning point.

In the office, they needed someone who could take lead the administrative desk. I personally don't believe it's my forte nor it's what I studied however I do remember there is social work administration in  what I studied in the university. This brings uncomfort and anxiety. But I want to look at it in the framework of what our organization needs and then I'll leave the matter to the board to decide. Anyway, my skills are of a neophyte and as much as I can, I want to be able to experience and have a hands-on training of all the aspects of social work. The major worry however is would I be able to keep the high motivation, by being pulled-out of community organizing work. And to take on administrative work is not so heavy job ... if I were to base in our manual. Therefore, I could use my time to have a part-time work or to enter grad school. 

"It's not a question of whether I can do or what I want to do, but what I should do." - Chas

Whatever may happen, I'll just ride it and then fall and then find the safety net, if ever it was not close to where I fell. :))

Perez is my Wonderland

Papa: Today is Easter. When you and your brother were young, we were always on the beach.
Kring: Yes, .. (nostalgic) but we're grown-ups now and even if we wanted to go to the beach, we need to go as far as Laguna or Batangas since there are none around here.
Papa: When your mother and I just got married, our place was Luneta (Rizal Park). We stay there the whole morning until afternoon. We stay by the pond where Japanese koi are and watch other people walking around. In that place, we argue, we laugh and just plainly enjoying our time together.
Kring: Really? (and was lost in her own thoughts... remembering.... Perez) If Alice has, then perhaps mine would be....

Perez is my Wonderland.

Alice calls it her wonderland because of the magic. It is where she encountered a potion that could make her small, cakes that could make her big, a place where animals could talk, a cat that could smile, a queen that has a very big head and "jabawaki" that she later did slay.

Perez also has its own magic. Memories of my visits in Perez are like beautiful far-fetched dreams. Every time I go to Perez, it's own magic sips through the inside of me. It's beach and scenery may not be as beautiful as Boracay's or Palawan's but still it has the beauty and serenity of a place that one will discover and treasure upon staying there.

More so, all the people I meet there are very kind and welcoming. Hearing the word "people", the first thing that comes to my mind is a mother who walked with us in the plain dust road one Monday morning as we visited the homes of scholars one by one. She didn't mind the time she was spending with us and was very interested in talking to me about the hidden travel spots in Perez that she deliberately suggested I should go to. In addition, the children always have their smiles and warm embraces to let me join their own-made soccer game as well as send-off gifts made from sea-shells whenever the time going back to Manila for me is coming closer. And of course, I will not forget the youth who calls me "Ate Kring" who mutually and gradually developed comfort, friendliness and warmth as me. In comparison, they are my rabbit with a clock, the blue caterpillar, the mouse, the dog that believed and helped Alice.

And my most treasured magical memories of Perez are.. 
(1) sitting by the seashore watching the calm waters at late afternoon
(2) and in the midst of the darkness of the night when you could see the lights in the town of the next island;
(3) walking in the dust road at dusk and seeing as many stars glimmering softly above my head (as many as I could more than I've ever seen at any place I've been to - really overwhelming!)
(4) laying on the hammock at summer's mid-afternoon under the patches of sunlight overshadowed by leaves (this was where I saw blackness then sudden all white at the back of my mind which lead to my change of mind and view of things)
(5) leaving Perez at dawn and seeing sunrise in the middle of the sea while riding the 'bangka' (small boat).
(6) staying in a bench hammock with dear friends, talking about topics ranging from war, poverty, love and future. 
and I think I'll be having many more, as time goes on. 

Like Alice, I feel that every after visit of Perez, it's just a dream and upon waking-up, all I have are memories of the place. But we are both wrong. Perez and Wonderland is a real place. It just feels like a dream because of the magic that we both experience with it that we both can't believe is true.

Really, Perez is a Wonderland.
And Chas is my Mad Hatter. :)

to dream the pseudo-unreachable dreams.

Pseudo. I like that word. It is half percent true, half percent not true. I've gotten into depression lately, maybe worse than I had before since I thought of stowing away. Only one person knows that by the way. That day, I was planning not to show-up and continue my plan of lurking the streets for a week, just to get myself out of the frustrations and the depression. In the end, I showed up. Somehow, the superego has worked its way of hoping that the person I'd meet with will scold me back to sanity. 

I took this advice from Bob Ong - to make lists... if you feel bored or sad.
As a start, why don't I dream today? :)

Before I die, I want to....

1. ride a hot-air balloon
2. travel around the world in 365 days
3. earn a PhD in Sociology
4. and have a degree of Psychology
5. then be a professor at the University of the Philippines
6. where my students would love the way I teach because I will not be the professor I hate
7. and I'd live in a house filled with books
8. fall in love... with my loving husband (whoever he is.. but he's got to be intelligent, kind and funny)
9. who would teach me how to cook because I don't
10. and we'd love each other till death do us part
11. and enjoy our marriage just as how it's done in the movies or in novels
12. have grown at least 2 children
13. one is into social science while another is into natural science
14. and both excel in music and arts besides academics
15. enjoy motherhood by spending a couple of years "hands-on" while still working on something for humanity
16. be able to play all songs of The Beatles in the guitar 
17. study photography
18. and at long last have a decent artists'/professional photographer's camera
19. take pictures of the moon and stars
20. space-travel. (lol)
21. time-travel. (double lol)
22. study in Japan or any other country
23. see Venice or Athens or the Louvre
24. go to Davao - and meet Capulette. :))
25. kiss Daniel Radclife or Jude Law
26. oh about my house - I'd like to have a music room in it
27. and live with a pure black or pure white cat, I would name "Midnight" (again)
28. read 1000 books.
29. have a copy of all Urbandub's albums
30. meet de la Rocha, Zack but I wouldn't talk to him
31. attend UP Fair - one whole week
32. attend a concert in another country
33. sing/play in a band
34. work in an NGO for half my life
35. set my foot on the UN office
36. get accepted in CARE or World Vision or any other International Organization
37. be of help to ACCE financially
38. understand the laws of physics
39. get back to the natural sciences
40. for my laptop to stay with me forever ~ Neomon
41. write a book
42. read all of Haruki Murakami's work
43. as well as Paolo Coelho's
44. and Nicholas Sparks'
45. as well as all poems of Pablo Neruda
46. understand Marx, Lenin and Mao more
47. see a red sunrise
48. be healthy
49. have the wisdom of Morrie
50. reach at least half of what I wrote in this list.