my fear of death.

It’s again 10:00 in the evening and it will be the fourth night in a row of insomnia if I couldn’t get to sleep tonight. Migraine is stinging my head right now but my mind is yet restless and this entry is about letting all those thoughts seep into paper (or blog), that is.

I’m one of those fascinated with time – of how it is categorized into past, present and future. And words such as ‘often’, ‘sometimes’, ‘usually’, ‘always’ and ‘someday’ are in the list of recently used words from my vocabulary. I was always the nostalgic one; the one who would tell others how much I miss those times I spent wasting with them. I enjoy joining the craze posting about #throwbackthursday, #flashbackfriday and even #waybackwednesday. Ever wondered why?

It’s because I am afraid of dying.

I’m afraid of that very instant – that second when you transition from a living to a dead person. I wonder what my last feeling and last thought would be just as how I’m curious who the last person I will be with. After that second of death, it’s oblivion. But I will never even know it because I’m no longer feeling nor thinking.

I’m afraid of not being able to feel and think. I’m afraid of not being able to see the world just as I tremble in the thought of leaving everyone behind. I won’t be able to see Daryl, Mama, Papa and Ian, and that thought tears my heart apart.

And though, for the last 25 years, I’ve been pushing the thought away; it remains. Every night, there is always a part in my prayer wherein I beg for Him not to take me yet because I still haven’t reached my dream, haven’t loved people just as much, and haven’t lived my life fully. Every morning, my actions revolve around what memory of me, I would be leaving behind.

As a child, I dreamed of being a seraph. But as I grew old, I learned that I didn’t want to die yet just so I could become one. However, in my years in social work, I realized that I could be an angel here on earth – if I choose to spread kindness and positivity all around. I just hope I did, for the last 25 years.

I am bidding the quarter of a lifetime goodbye soon. And it felt like it all happened so fast and yet I still remember some memories vividly, even from childhood. These comprise the memory of that night when my brother was born, that memory when I got my second bike, that night when I couldn’t sleep and I stared at my glow-in-the-dark Mickey Mouse watch. I can’t believe that I had grown so much and is a very different person now, from the 1-year old me.

I’m afraid of dying. And as I bid those years goodbye, I look back at these memories. There should be more journal entries about those precious memories and how they relate to my present. The future brings excitement but it also transports anxiety and fear.

I’m afraid but the solution is simple. I guess I just need to live more. From here on, every minute is a precious one. Thus, I don’t want them to be wasted in dwelling at negativity. For the rest of my life, I want to be happy and surely, the next days will be maximized.

to hold on.

“Mahal pa naman kita.

Kaso ang kulit mo bi eh.

Pinipilit mong magbigay ako ng sagot para makatulog ka lang”.

I am writing because as I told you I can’t sleep when we’re not okay. I am writing because I don’t want these words to remain in my heart. It’s also ironic that I haven’t used the Snoopy towel that you gave me. I was saving it for a happy memory, I told myself. But tonight, when I got off the sink, away from my clenched fist, red teary eyes and a crushed heart, the Snoopy towel that you gave me was what struck my mind first. I reached for it for comfort. Words are too painful and hearing you saying it without empathy crushed my heart. I am not recalling the pain to play guilt trip on you. I just want to preserve that memory of pain – a pain that can only be brought by love. Love, really, is made up of smiles and tears. And only those with strong hearts can survive and sustain love.

Tonight, I am choosing to have a strong heart – the strongest is what I am asking for Him. I ask for light, amidst these darkness that enraptures me at 12:24 in the morning. I am sorry for what has happened, for pushing you to your limits, for asking you to show your affection to me even when you say you are not yourself tonight. I don’t know. Maybe, I am just too scared that you will let go of me. Ever since that instance when I rushed into your home in the middle of the night just to tell you how sorry I am and how committed I am to be with you and hold on to this relationship. Ever since that night that I cried and begged on my knees that we work it out. I may have developed a phobia from your choice of words – which you think it is better for us to part ways just so you could go on with what you have to do and just so I can be happy.

From then on, I walked on eggshells – cautious of every word I say and every action I make. I didn’t want to make you feel burdened just as how you felt at the start of our relationship. But here I am again. I was begging you to tell me you love me, at the un-godliest hour, just so I could sleep. To you, it might seem like it – a selfish request. But to me, it is an answer; a key.  I wanted to be reassured that you’re still holding my hand. But I wronged us. Because of my doings tonight, I felt like your hand slowly drifted away. And all that I am holding on, at this very moment, is your pinkie finger.

I hold on to this Snoopy towel. In fact, when I placed it atop my face, I felt relieved. The memory of that day when you gave it to me played back. It was one of those happiest memories of us that I cherish. I was feeling down that day. I wanted to shut myself from the world and yet you begged me to go to you – and embrace you at your home. That was enough. But after eating lunch with a heavy psyche, you asked me to close my eyes. You asked me what I prefer between a pen case, a tumbler or a towel. I chose the pen case of course and you gave me one, outright. Little did I know that they were not choices but a list of things that you’re glad to give to me as a gift for our monthsary. I was so happy that moment bi. More than just the gifts, I was glad that you always bring a rainbow in my life, when it’s gloomy. And I really appreciate you for that. Never had I been made feel special, protected and cherished just as you did.            

I hold on to memories. I catch myself painting a smile on my face at the thought of me being beside you last Friday morning. You sacrificed your sleep because I was not feeling well – that I need to see another doctor because the General Practice doctor probably gave me the wrong prescriptions. I was looking at you intently that morning. I was studying your eyes, nose and lips, your glasses even and preserved it in my memory. I didn’t know that my mind can work as a video recorder but it did. That picture of you with a half-smile while watching The Big Bang Theory beside me, and your hands holding my tablet while the other hand lovingly embraces me, is what plays in my mind at this very moment.

I hold on to our commitment to always choose and find our way back to each other even when things get rough.

“I love you and know that I am being unworthy right now. I am trying to understand myself at napepressure ako with you asking me what you can do to make things right. Don’t define yourself according to my happiness!!!! There are things that we can’t control. I’m not asking to break up. I’m just asking for your silence and your patience. If you push me over the edge, I might break up with you just because masakit na ulo ko at naiinis na ako dahil di ko naiintindihan sarili ko. I know I will regret it. You’re asking for answers I don’t have at the moment. I don’t even have the capacity and patience to think right now. I wish to be alone to sort myself out and not further damage our relationship. You mean a lot to me, which is why I don’t talk when I’m being difficult. And I’m sure you know why.”  

I am choosing to hold on to your loving words, even the littlest of it, at times like these. I understand that you are just dead tired from all that has happened this weekend because I got sick and I ruined your schedule. I hold on to that moment, midnight of September 15, when you and I first hugged and kissed, beneath the starry night. It was magical. And I am holding on to it because ever since, that memory is enough to remind me how much I love you and how much you love me.

I am sorry for asking, even when I already know the answer. I’m sorry if I was asking for reassurance even when you already gave it to me a million times. I’m sorry if I let fear subside in my being just because of that night when I rushed into your home. I am sorry for not remembering immediately what happened after. You carried me from my begging knees and embrace me as we’re equal. You told me how much you love me, then and forever. You let me embrace you for as long as I needed. And you wiped my tears away. That same night, we sat beneath the starry night and renewed our commitment to choose one another, always. That we will make things work out, together. That even when the waves are crushing hard on to me, I promised that I will stay and be your best friend, apart from being a lover. I am sorry for not seeing beyond your tired and weary self, even when my gut feeling already told me to do so.

I am holding on to that pinkie finger and will never let it go. I will just have to wait, and challenge my impatient self, for you to talk to me again in your loving voice. I trust that you will also hold on to memories, words and our commitment to always choose one another. Because, we always do. That is why I know and feel, even in this ghastly instant, that I finally found my true love and Mr. Right.