to hold on.

“Mahal pa naman kita.

Kaso ang kulit mo bi eh.

Pinipilit mong magbigay ako ng sagot para makatulog ka lang”.

I am writing because as I told you I can’t sleep when we’re not okay. I am writing because I don’t want these words to remain in my heart. It’s also ironic that I haven’t used the Snoopy towel that you gave me. I was saving it for a happy memory, I told myself. But tonight, when I got off the sink, away from my clenched fist, red teary eyes and a crushed heart, the Snoopy towel that you gave me was what struck my mind first. I reached for it for comfort. Words are too painful and hearing you saying it without empathy crushed my heart. I am not recalling the pain to play guilt trip on you. I just want to preserve that memory of pain – a pain that can only be brought by love. Love, really, is made up of smiles and tears. And only those with strong hearts can survive and sustain love.

Tonight, I am choosing to have a strong heart – the strongest is what I am asking for Him. I ask for light, amidst these darkness that enraptures me at 12:24 in the morning. I am sorry for what has happened, for pushing you to your limits, for asking you to show your affection to me even when you say you are not yourself tonight. I don’t know. Maybe, I am just too scared that you will let go of me. Ever since that instance when I rushed into your home in the middle of the night just to tell you how sorry I am and how committed I am to be with you and hold on to this relationship. Ever since that night that I cried and begged on my knees that we work it out. I may have developed a phobia from your choice of words – which you think it is better for us to part ways just so you could go on with what you have to do and just so I can be happy.

From then on, I walked on eggshells – cautious of every word I say and every action I make. I didn’t want to make you feel burdened just as how you felt at the start of our relationship. But here I am again. I was begging you to tell me you love me, at the un-godliest hour, just so I could sleep. To you, it might seem like it – a selfish request. But to me, it is an answer; a key.  I wanted to be reassured that you’re still holding my hand. But I wronged us. Because of my doings tonight, I felt like your hand slowly drifted away. And all that I am holding on, at this very moment, is your pinkie finger.

I hold on to this Snoopy towel. In fact, when I placed it atop my face, I felt relieved. The memory of that day when you gave it to me played back. It was one of those happiest memories of us that I cherish. I was feeling down that day. I wanted to shut myself from the world and yet you begged me to go to you – and embrace you at your home. That was enough. But after eating lunch with a heavy psyche, you asked me to close my eyes. You asked me what I prefer between a pen case, a tumbler or a towel. I chose the pen case of course and you gave me one, outright. Little did I know that they were not choices but a list of things that you’re glad to give to me as a gift for our monthsary. I was so happy that moment bi. More than just the gifts, I was glad that you always bring a rainbow in my life, when it’s gloomy. And I really appreciate you for that. Never had I been made feel special, protected and cherished just as you did.            

I hold on to memories. I catch myself painting a smile on my face at the thought of me being beside you last Friday morning. You sacrificed your sleep because I was not feeling well – that I need to see another doctor because the General Practice doctor probably gave me the wrong prescriptions. I was looking at you intently that morning. I was studying your eyes, nose and lips, your glasses even and preserved it in my memory. I didn’t know that my mind can work as a video recorder but it did. That picture of you with a half-smile while watching The Big Bang Theory beside me, and your hands holding my tablet while the other hand lovingly embraces me, is what plays in my mind at this very moment.

I hold on to our commitment to always choose and find our way back to each other even when things get rough.

“I love you and know that I am being unworthy right now. I am trying to understand myself at napepressure ako with you asking me what you can do to make things right. Don’t define yourself according to my happiness!!!! There are things that we can’t control. I’m not asking to break up. I’m just asking for your silence and your patience. If you push me over the edge, I might break up with you just because masakit na ulo ko at naiinis na ako dahil di ko naiintindihan sarili ko. I know I will regret it. You’re asking for answers I don’t have at the moment. I don’t even have the capacity and patience to think right now. I wish to be alone to sort myself out and not further damage our relationship. You mean a lot to me, which is why I don’t talk when I’m being difficult. And I’m sure you know why.”  

I am choosing to hold on to your loving words, even the littlest of it, at times like these. I understand that you are just dead tired from all that has happened this weekend because I got sick and I ruined your schedule. I hold on to that moment, midnight of September 15, when you and I first hugged and kissed, beneath the starry night. It was magical. And I am holding on to it because ever since, that memory is enough to remind me how much I love you and how much you love me.

I am sorry for asking, even when I already know the answer. I’m sorry if I was asking for reassurance even when you already gave it to me a million times. I’m sorry if I let fear subside in my being just because of that night when I rushed into your home. I am sorry for not remembering immediately what happened after. You carried me from my begging knees and embrace me as we’re equal. You told me how much you love me, then and forever. You let me embrace you for as long as I needed. And you wiped my tears away. That same night, we sat beneath the starry night and renewed our commitment to choose one another, always. That we will make things work out, together. That even when the waves are crushing hard on to me, I promised that I will stay and be your best friend, apart from being a lover. I am sorry for not seeing beyond your tired and weary self, even when my gut feeling already told me to do so.

I am holding on to that pinkie finger and will never let it go. I will just have to wait, and challenge my impatient self, for you to talk to me again in your loving voice. I trust that you will also hold on to memories, words and our commitment to always choose one another. Because, we always do. That is why I know and feel, even in this ghastly instant, that I finally found my true love and Mr. Right.

the new generation call their other half, "half-orange".

People at my age. Well, that's really sweet, for it might be what most of us are looking for - someone who'll like be our twin, some romantic love story where in your other half is in to your interests too, just like in the movies. Not only the vivid color of orange, makes it interesting but also the metaphor that when you cut an orange in half, you'll get the same thing, twice the quantity.

 

*Click Photo for Reference.

People at my age. In a relationship. Dating. Looking for someone. Getting married. Having children. I'm happy that most of them have theirs, and I'm happy that I don't. (Well, maybe.) But at least, I'm learning so much from not having one, and enjoying too all the while dreaming of that person, that days, when I'll be finally in a serious, committed relationship with someone responsible enough to take the commitment. Recently, I've felt a couple of mixed emotions such as happiness over just having a friend by your side who'll stick with you, at your worse and would care to treat you with coffee and ice cream to lift up the mood. I also felt sadness with a friend who told I could have been the perfect girl for him but I am most suited to be treated like a sibling, to him. I felt excitement overhearing someone liked my best friend and with that excitement, came a little bit of anger for he really never liked it. I felt contentment over just having found friends I could keep for the rest of my life, but a little afraid that I won't be entering into a relationship soon, because of them. I was confused why a friend was confused over my joke which sounded serious, but seriously it was only a joke. And just today, I felt inspired when I heard Canon played in string quartet and imagined that is just the perfect music for a proposal. (In totally unrelated news, I love blogs because I could just write with my run-on sentences without being scolded by my father). I also wonder, why fathers should always have a say about your boyfriend. Anyhow, even me... I'm all psyched up with these relationship thingy but... recently, I realized I'm just not ready for it... anymore.

People at my age. We wonder how it feels like to just to lay around and watch TV with someone during rainy days. We get hurt with our dreams shattered away with people leaving. We have a minute in every day thinking about the person who keeps us sad or happy at night, at the moment. We cry about past love stories and reminisce about it again and again. We love, we fall-out, we regret, we justify but in the end, realize that it was all worth it and think "it was good while it lasted, the moments have been seized". We hate the bitter after taste but still hope to meet the dessert, sometime in the future. We have friends whom we talk about it again and again. Probably, the media, the movies, the arts, the literature or life itself is to be blamed. We are just a generation, that is so into love.

it's self-indulgence to write about your love story.

The cast (Always, San Chome no Yuhi 2),
while waiting for the announcement of the Literary Award winner. Picture's from here.

I learned it from the rich father of 'Junnosuke' from (Always, San Chome no Yuhi) who commented on Chagawa-san's touching story in the Blue Authentic which apparently was a finalist for a Literary Prize. He commented that Chagawa-san's writing is nothing but a mere self-indulgence or in other words, gratifying one's self through writing about own real life emotions and thoughts.

which is true.

Chagawa-san, the novelist. My favorite character, next to Ippei. ._. 
Picture's from here.

However, he missed a point that art is the 'expression of one's self'. Going by the logic that literature is art, self's expression through writing is still art, may it be written creatively and beautifully or not. What am I saying.. or rather writing.

What I just want to express is that.... for people, it is therapeutic to write about one's self. More so, it is an art for the matter that I believe in art as the opportunity for every human being to be given freedom to express what goes on with his or her mind, what he or she pictures when his or her eyes are closed and to try to paint a scenery from their own imaginations may their be tools be paintbrush, guitar or pen.

I forgot where I got this picture ages ago. I'm sorry.

All of a sudden, I remembered my friend Jesse, a Philisophy student, who lectured to me before about "love as the primary motivation of any human being to take any action" such as the "Helen of Troy" or the "Romeo and Juliet" or even the fate of Marcos to be dictator with the push of his wife, Imelda Marcos. From him, I learned that "love can make one do things beyond the limits" and "be creative". I must say forgiveness to Jesse for not remembering the philosopher's name who initiated the thought. 

So then, I'll continue to write as well as sing and draw about love, as my favorite subject of art, poetry and music. <3

a thing about love.

is I never saw it coming, it kinda crept up and took me by surprise ♪♪♪

After a year, I was expecting to learn more about love. But, I don't know anything about love anymore. What I get, are just mixed feelings.

One, it makes me tremble and vomit in the nervousness of seeing him again after quite a long time. I can't even have the strength to look at those feet nor fingers. I can't stare right at his eyes though how much the inside of me wants to. At the last minute, I want to back out from seeing him again. I'm too shy. Even just his voice calling my name or some other people's voice calling his name, gives tingles to my whole being.

Two, it makes me jealous, not confident and irrational. The simple scenery of him talking to another girl feels like my heart has become the twin towers of 9/11. It makes me feel like it's not me, makes me wonder how fast I get envious, and how fast I've lost all the ideas I've learned through the years momentarily. Even so, I hear another part inside me that whispers everything's all right and that trust is the purest form of love.

Three, it makes me extremely excited. Daydreams and waking up from a dream that I was with him feels sanely overwhelming. It gives me something to look forward to in the future and tells me each day is as good as the last time I was with him and the day the next day that I could be with him.

Four, it's unconscious but there is not an hour in the day that I don't think about him. Each time I see a stuff printed with Snoopy or hear a Japanese song or write with the mechanical pencil which I teased him to give me, thoughts of him rushes through my consciousness. In simple things, I could remember him and because of these simple things I find myself smiling or tears flowing down my eyes.

Five, it makes me happy in a split second. A simple smile from him shown straightly to my face feels like heaven, a random short message of no meaning is a cup of comfort and a tired husky voice sending me to bed is such a sweet lullaby. What's most unforgettable is the sudden embrace, which felt like I am the most precious person for him in the whole world. I'm so glad and proud to say that the 'him' is 'you'. Thank you for making me the second happiest person in the world.

There are more, but I couldn't explain. I wouldn't even cover half of it in description if I try to. That's how troublesome love is, to define. However, one weird thing I learned is that all of these feelings seems reasonable and so precious to forget. May it give off bad or good feelings, I would like to keep all of these various feelings forever, in the deepest secret pocket of my heart.

Yet, it's not necessary for me to define it right? Because, I want to experience more confusion about love with you and define a specific kind of love unique for just the two of us. To put it simply, I love you. Happy anniversary!

memories warm you up from the inside but also tear you apart.

said Miss Saeki (a character from Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami).
[Apparently, she is my favorite character from the book as well as Oshima because of their depth and wit. I want to be like them.]

and I agree with what she said.

Actually, her point of view comes from a woman of melancholy and of suffering. In contrast, mine comes from a woman of bitter-sweetness which refers to someone who had also been to suffering yet given another chance at happiness. It's quite interesting that to her, even though memories bring suffering, it's still worth to keep. Memories of suffering proves that she is alive. More than the pain of suffering that comes from reminiscing these memories, is the concentration on how these same memories brought happiness at the time that it was happening, better yet, in the process of unraveling. 

I want to keep living on these happy memories, to savor the moment and to capture as much details as to keep happy memories as vivid as it was live. And in times of distress or loneliness, though these memories bring sadness and pain from nostalgia, it also brings happiness realizing that somewhere in time, I've been into such kind of euphoria, of a time when I wanted to stop time. For me, this is the essence of memories - its use. 

It's seeing two sides of a coin - while being pessimist, you can also be optimistic. While culturing sadness, you could always look back and feel happiness with memories; another irony of life. It's a concept and ability to remember that we humans are lucky enough to have. ^^

what my heart will do today - it will think.

 Will beat 54,738 times, pump 803 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 6,849 miles throughout my body!

---> Got this from The Oatmeal, who redirected me to The Fitness Pal.

It's quite amusing that the heart symbolizes love. <3 

Sexual. For one, the human heart isn't even shaped like these, as it resembles more of the cow's. "The seed of the silphium plant, used in ancient times as a herbal contraceptive, has been suggested as the source of the heart symbol." [Wiki] The heart shape is also considered to depict female features such as the buttocks, mons pubis and the vulva which vaguely gives us the connection of love and sex. As for that matter, it remains a controversy and upon reading, I kind of feel awkward to draw another heart to show my love. 

Rationalizing emotions. As for the color 'red', it only resembles blood - the lifeline and as what we all know, metaphorically describes 'passion'. Aristotle considered the heart as the seat of thought, reason or emotion. In great contradiction with what Galen, the Roman physician, believed. Galen identified the heart as the seat of emotions and the brain as the seat of reason. He was the first one to isolate emotions from reason, pointing out the big difference between the brain and the heart - the logic and the illogical. [Yet in Psychology, the brain has also its doings in emotions - the chemicals, the neurons (I could not explain it further) but as I remember it has.]

 

 

 

I <3 YOU.

Therefore, the heart should not solely be blamed nor thanked for 'love'. "I love you" means there are reasons which my brain have why I do, yet my emotions makes me blind so I could not explain why. "I love you" means your emotions are making you stupid since no one could explain emotions, nor stop it from making you feel. 

Divinity. The Stoics, who by the way were the first ones to consider emotions as a source of errors in judgments or as I may call them 'the first positivists', taught the heart as the seat of the soul. Though they were scientists, they were not atheists, which intrigues me. In our time, it could be said that there is rationality in what they speak of. They didn't have the knowledge of the human anatomy, maybe that's why the Stoics left the explanation to the 'soul', the divine abstractness (because they couldn't explain the phenomena yet). Since then, the heart has been considered a mythical, divine figure up until now where the Catholics still use the Sacred Heart of Jesus or the Immaculate Heart of Mary. But in our time, we could already explain it! As I picked up from my fifth grade science class, the heart pumps our blood, the blood is the lifeline. It's the central organ of the body with the function of keeping us alive. It's our switch. With the decease of the heart, so does our life ends. When that happens it should not be colored red, it should be purple!

to feel two emotions at the same time

When I reconstructed this blog, I thought that what I would put will only be ideas and thoughts yet I forgot that humanity has another part of being human  - the emotions.

Is it even possible to feel two different emotions at the same time? To be happy and to be sad. I feel happy that I am enjoying the present yet i am sad whenever I look back at the past and somehow think that it would come back, that present never came. It would be all right again and that I would feel the same happiness I feel today that I felt in the past but still the past but then it's the present. The circumstances that lead for the past that happen is so sweet and sudden, same as what I feel now but the complication is that I don't know if it would even be permitted to have a future.  Complicated? Yes, it is and it keeps bothering me every minute of my day.

My friends say that the past is my least problem and been advised to move on by a couple of friends who had always been with me on the downside of my life. They know me even better than I know myself. It is the uncertainty, the distance and the sudden change. It's the cloud of black emptiness that surrounds my room when I'm alone. In the company of friends, it is hidden yet it suddenly bursts out when rubbed lightly, as I've seen it.

Confusion. Complicated. Confusion. Complicated. Yet Happy Yet Sad Yet Happy.

It has always been hurt. It never had happy endings, never was meant to be? Or maybe never was given effort to be meant to be? This is not a curse as I wouldn't believe it is but it's a sad phenomena that it always doesn't work out. I've always seen it in the early stages - the budding of attraction, the emotional explosion at the memory as well as the time together and the always interesting getting-to-know. It changes in a matter of 2-3 months, maybe because I also changed. At the early stage, I would be the scrutinizing critical hard-headed 'yin' but as time pass, I become softer.. almost equal to a fool and a martyr. Pessimism has never been a factor since whom he is in the now is what I visualize in the future.

It's the dream, the pang of guilt with sweet memories and the nostalgia every parting time. It's your gentleness, your wit, your perfectness. It's the physical, emotional and psychologcal satisfaction at the moment, I didn't want to end. I never want for the next day to come. It feels so right even when we think it's wrong. I'm at a loss of words and rationalizations when I'm with you. All I want to do is make you happy but then I know I make you feel sad. Is it even possible for us to be this way?

5 second poem~

CHASing after you, I believe I'll always be.
Even though, often it's only your back, I see.
But I don't mind and you will never mind.
The magic you've done, only time will find.

It was all too sudden - knowing you.
Compatibility level suddenly went through.
Just like my poem, just like your haiku.
Writing is easy because of you~