sometimes, you have to let go of your grip just to fall and land on a safety net.

I actually experienced this on the bus on my way home. Not as usual, the bus was crowded and there were no vacant seats so I was standing from Rotonda until Coastal Mall in the farthest side of the bus, where there are 6 (?) seats aligned. At the time when some passengers who was sitting at the middle of these 6 seats, I was excited to finally sit down. In my excitement, I lost my grip of the steel bar as the bus suddenly moved. I fell and i felt the rush of blood in my veins which sent the signal to my brain of 'nervousness'. Yet seconds later, I fell at the exact spot where I wanted to sit. Luckily, it was a good fall and I felt happy being in a comfortable place just right after feeling nervous.

And then I thought of my life now... which is again on a turning point.

In the office, they needed someone who could take lead the administrative desk. I personally don't believe it's my forte nor it's what I studied however I do remember there is social work administration in  what I studied in the university. This brings uncomfort and anxiety. But I want to look at it in the framework of what our organization needs and then I'll leave the matter to the board to decide. Anyway, my skills are of a neophyte and as much as I can, I want to be able to experience and have a hands-on training of all the aspects of social work. The major worry however is would I be able to keep the high motivation, by being pulled-out of community organizing work. And to take on administrative work is not so heavy job ... if I were to base in our manual. Therefore, I could use my time to have a part-time work or to enter grad school. 

"It's not a question of whether I can do or what I want to do, but what I should do." - Chas

Whatever may happen, I'll just ride it and then fall and then find the safety net, if ever it was not close to where I fell. :))

Perez is my Wonderland

Papa: Today is Easter. When you and your brother were young, we were always on the beach.
Kring: Yes, .. (nostalgic) but we're grown-ups now and even if we wanted to go to the beach, we need to go as far as Laguna or Batangas since there are none around here.
Papa: When your mother and I just got married, our place was Luneta (Rizal Park). We stay there the whole morning until afternoon. We stay by the pond where Japanese koi are and watch other people walking around. In that place, we argue, we laugh and just plainly enjoying our time together.
Kring: Really? (and was lost in her own thoughts... remembering.... Perez) If Alice has, then perhaps mine would be....

Perez is my Wonderland.

Alice calls it her wonderland because of the magic. It is where she encountered a potion that could make her small, cakes that could make her big, a place where animals could talk, a cat that could smile, a queen that has a very big head and "jabawaki" that she later did slay.

Perez also has its own magic. Memories of my visits in Perez are like beautiful far-fetched dreams. Every time I go to Perez, it's own magic sips through the inside of me. It's beach and scenery may not be as beautiful as Boracay's or Palawan's but still it has the beauty and serenity of a place that one will discover and treasure upon staying there.

More so, all the people I meet there are very kind and welcoming. Hearing the word "people", the first thing that comes to my mind is a mother who walked with us in the plain dust road one Monday morning as we visited the homes of scholars one by one. She didn't mind the time she was spending with us and was very interested in talking to me about the hidden travel spots in Perez that she deliberately suggested I should go to. In addition, the children always have their smiles and warm embraces to let me join their own-made soccer game as well as send-off gifts made from sea-shells whenever the time going back to Manila for me is coming closer. And of course, I will not forget the youth who calls me "Ate Kring" who mutually and gradually developed comfort, friendliness and warmth as me. In comparison, they are my rabbit with a clock, the blue caterpillar, the mouse, the dog that believed and helped Alice.

And my most treasured magical memories of Perez are.. 
(1) sitting by the seashore watching the calm waters at late afternoon
(2) and in the midst of the darkness of the night when you could see the lights in the town of the next island;
(3) walking in the dust road at dusk and seeing as many stars glimmering softly above my head (as many as I could more than I've ever seen at any place I've been to - really overwhelming!)
(4) laying on the hammock at summer's mid-afternoon under the patches of sunlight overshadowed by leaves (this was where I saw blackness then sudden all white at the back of my mind which lead to my change of mind and view of things)
(5) leaving Perez at dawn and seeing sunrise in the middle of the sea while riding the 'bangka' (small boat).
(6) staying in a bench hammock with dear friends, talking about topics ranging from war, poverty, love and future. 
and I think I'll be having many more, as time goes on. 

Like Alice, I feel that every after visit of Perez, it's just a dream and upon waking-up, all I have are memories of the place. But we are both wrong. Perez and Wonderland is a real place. It just feels like a dream because of the magic that we both experience with it that we both can't believe is true.

Really, Perez is a Wonderland.
And Chas is my Mad Hatter. :)

sometimes, one has to do insane things to be sane.

Right! The subject's a little far off or philosophical or more general than what I actually learned today. Actually, there was not much activity as I just goofed around and stuff in the Nook - which by the way includes sleeping <3 <3, cleaning the room, (finally) finishing the laundry and some reading. I haven't even retouched the summer camp documentation which I was by the way aiming to finish by yesterday (such an unorganized little kid >.<) and I've fallen into playing Flyff again (it's a little scary if I get addicted again). But but but at least I've set foot back on household chores and...

I just thought.. 'sometimes you have to leave things behind just to get back to it again with a more interested head and heart.' If I do things in routine way like staring at the computer doing reports 8/24 everyday then I'll lose interest and gradually crumble to losing my head because of technical tiredness even though I also enjoy doing it. Justifications HAHA.. but I still have a point, I know.

BUT actually, one thing I learned today is... 'books could be really good friends.'

It could take you different worlds just by lying around or sitting and stuff. It has taken me to Russia where I encountered a couple who got married while they were both in prison; to a theme park where I met a young girl who has persuaded her brother not to stow away by asking him to watch her riding a carousel; to a world where cats could talk and fishes fall from the sky; to the 90's where the compositions of well-known people are music to our ear; and to elsewhere and else-when that I've enjoyed goofing about.

And I couldn't have noticed how books has inspired me and helped me in my formation to be the person I am now if I haven't cleaned the nook today - now, that's a 500mg doze of sanity. :)

And another thing... (though I do not think of it as learning but more of something to continue to think about)

Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad?
Alice: All the best people are.
Me: All the best people are mad...

which explains why we have people such as Nietzche, Newton, Marx, Galilei, Beethoven.. and even Jesus Christ (who all have done insane things once in their lives to be sane.) 

memories warm you up from the inside but also tear you apart.

said Miss Saeki (a character from Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami).
[Apparently, she is my favorite character from the book as well as Oshima because of their depth and wit. I want to be like them.]

and I agree with what she said.

Actually, her point of view comes from a woman of melancholy and of suffering. In contrast, mine comes from a woman of bitter-sweetness which refers to someone who had also been to suffering yet given another chance at happiness. It's quite interesting that to her, even though memories bring suffering, it's still worth to keep. Memories of suffering proves that she is alive. More than the pain of suffering that comes from reminiscing these memories, is the concentration on how these same memories brought happiness at the time that it was happening, better yet, in the process of unraveling. 

I want to keep living on these happy memories, to savor the moment and to capture as much details as to keep happy memories as vivid as it was live. And in times of distress or loneliness, though these memories bring sadness and pain from nostalgia, it also brings happiness realizing that somewhere in time, I've been into such kind of euphoria, of a time when I wanted to stop time. For me, this is the essence of memories - its use. 

It's seeing two sides of a coin - while being pessimist, you can also be optimistic. While culturing sadness, you could always look back and feel happiness with memories; another irony of life. It's a concept and ability to remember that we humans are lucky enough to have. ^^