future is blurry but I'd like to make it clear

 [Bloomfields performing at "Wednesday Habit" at Eastwood City.]

Life is blurry, just like this picture at Eastwood City yesterday evening. I went there with Filipino and Japanese volunteers to watch the Bloomfields and to see Yuri, Bebe and Haruna, for the last time. But, I learned that I would be seeing them again on Sunday and Monday, before they take Tuesday's flight. I listened, I drunk, I ate, I chatted and I watched Peter and Kuya Archie being scared but having fun jumping at the trampoline. I went home at midnight then, couldn't sleep. When eyes finally closed, the body didn't want to rise up until it was lunch time. Back to the accomplishment report of ACCESS at work, roamed around Cubao after work and now, reflecting.

Back to reflections... With life, we don't know what'll happen tomorrow. Though you roughly know how it would turn about, you don't know what sudden things may happen. 

While I was at Eastwood, I felt comfortable and happy but at the same time, felt that the world is not mine and that this world brings me sadness, which is ironic. I realized that I was a person who had traversed the two sides of life - the world of the rich and the world of the poor. I enjoy the music, art, food and comfort in material things that the rich has, as what I had a bite while I was at Eastwood. However, along with this comfort, is the sinking feeling that most people I met in the communities couldn't feel and experience this life which I had a glimpse of living.

I confess that Eastwood is for rich people. Koreans, Japanese, Chinese and other nationalities would often the place. Eastwood City is a beautiful place in the Philippines, build not for Filipinos, I thought as we were walking around Eastwood. And, at one moment, I remembered Aokichi who asked me "what do you like about the Philippines?"

-> I like Philippines because I could eat Japanese, French, Italian, American food whenever I want, and I could feel like I'm in a different country at some times, if I would want to be. I like experiencing other culture, this is what I like about Phil. But, it's also a problem.

At last, I thought again if I could turn back from my decision to walk with the poor. I could always turn back, apply in a call center and earn more money. However, I figured that the life of that wouldn't bring the equal happiness that my life as an NGO worker give. I don't want to exchange the smiles of children, the hugs from women, the tears of mothers looking for comfort and the people whom I work with who live simply but intelligently. I don't want to exchange all of this with more money.

[So many things to do for the Philippines and the World, so little time.
This is the busy street of Arayat, Cubao, I pass by everyday, coming to office.]

I have an image of myself in the future. But, I don't know how I'll reach that image, and sometimes, I worry that I might not. The future is blurry but I'd like to make it clear by polishing my feelings and thoughts about the life I chose.