When I reconstructed this blog, I thought that what I would put will only be ideas and thoughts yet I forgot that humanity has another part of being human - the emotions.
Is it even possible to feel two different emotions at the same time? To be happy and to be sad. I feel happy that I am enjoying the present yet i am sad whenever I look back at the past and somehow think that it would come back, that present never came. It would be all right again and that I would feel the same happiness I feel today that I felt in the past but still the past but then it's the present. The circumstances that lead for the past that happen is so sweet and sudden, same as what I feel now but the complication is that I don't know if it would even be permitted to have a future. Complicated? Yes, it is and it keeps bothering me every minute of my day.
My friends say that the past is my least problem and been advised to move on by a couple of friends who had always been with me on the downside of my life. They know me even better than I know myself. It is the uncertainty, the distance and the sudden change. It's the cloud of black emptiness that surrounds my room when I'm alone. In the company of friends, it is hidden yet it suddenly bursts out when rubbed lightly, as I've seen it.
Confusion. Complicated. Confusion. Complicated. Yet Happy Yet Sad Yet Happy.
It has always been hurt. It never had happy endings, never was meant to be? Or maybe never was given effort to be meant to be? This is not a curse as I wouldn't believe it is but it's a sad phenomena that it always doesn't work out. I've always seen it in the early stages - the budding of attraction, the emotional explosion at the memory as well as the time together and the always interesting getting-to-know. It changes in a matter of 2-3 months, maybe because I also changed. At the early stage, I would be the scrutinizing critical hard-headed 'yin' but as time pass, I become softer.. almost equal to a fool and a martyr. Pessimism has never been a factor since whom he is in the now is what I visualize in the future.
It's the dream, the pang of guilt with sweet memories and the nostalgia every parting time. It's your gentleness, your wit, your perfectness. It's the physical, emotional and psychologcal satisfaction at the moment, I didn't want to end. I never want for the next day to come. It feels so right even when we think it's wrong. I'm at a loss of words and rationalizations when I'm with you. All I want to do is make you happy but then I know I make you feel sad. Is it even possible for us to be this way?
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